Regine's Casual Blog

Final Blog Entry

2005-06-28T14:24:00.000-05:00

It is with a heavy heart that I finish this last entry for Regine. After a hard fought battle with cancer she has gone to be with our Lord.

She passed away at home with her parents, her three children and myself (her husband Jimmy) on Monday at 11:20 pm. The official time will be recorded as 1:20 am on Tuesday due to the time it took the Hospice crew to come by.

We admitted Regine into the home Hospice program via Austin Hospice just over a week ago. She burned so bright in fighting this cancer that when she finally accepted that she had tried enough that there was not much left.

Her children were so important to her. Raising them became her life's mission and with that the fight for ProLife. To honor Regine, please consider donating to any prolife cause.

Jimmy - 6.28.2005

I am sorry- I thought I had posted the last few days...Where did they go?

2005-06-16T22:22:00.000-05:00

I have figured out why everyone seems to be confused! My blogs for the last week were never posted. I know I typed one sort of hopeful one; and one that I wrote when I was very upset, having little hope,(I might have done a surgical editing on that one, anyway;) And a third one from last night. The item supposedly published with no problems. That's what I get for not checking it anyway. Or maybe I was rambling and making no sense at all... and the BS meter alarm went off, and some angel came along to save me from myself! (Ha ha.)

OK. Maybe I can make this blog behave, without clutter (no hope on that one!)

I started out seriously motivated, and happy at the idea I was going to focus the next week or so getting my body in shape for a surgery. I had even had an improvement that 1st day. I was trying so hard.

I wanted every one of you to know that CTCA-Tulsa, has the kindest, most professional staff from housekeeping, their nursing staff (and techs) and helped me feel cared about. (Next to the oncology doctors and nurses at SWRCC in Austin and Georgetown.) However, I was deriving less benefit and more difficulty the harder I tried. I DID NOT HAVE IT IN ME. I couldn't muster up what I needed each day. Jim was so exhausted that not even "ColdEase" could buffer his immune system to fight a cold! I surely didn't want to catch that!

The surgery was postponed until I could get myself ready for it (improving fitness in order to survive the surgery not to mention the post-op Physical rehab.) I was ready to make this happen- in 2 weeks! Any longer wait, and perhaps I'd be beyond the help of even the surgery. Jim and I had opted to stay the entire time (kids with my mom and dad) to focus exclusively on fitness. At least that was the idea, anyway! Slowly, but surely, I was getting weaker and weaker, instead of better and better! Jim was getting more insensitive, sarcastic, and anxious the more exhausted he was.

Sunday night I was pondering: What do I do now? I was too embarrassed to meet with anyone at CTCA the next morning. I was ashamed to be seen as a "quitter." I was so worried and so weak, I literally did not have strength to eat any more than a few mouthfuls of food; I would feel "stuffed." The mattress on the bed was not very supportive, so I was tired from lack of sleep even before the day started! I was only getting worse and I was feeling the stress gaining on me. There would be a "pay-off" soon if I didn't do something! Running on “empty” is a poor place to start an intense physical training and preparation for this drastic surgery. I needed to heal, and soon, but I could not even get started! Either I could stand and give what few weeks I have in a pity party, or I could go home, take home what I have been learning at CTCA- their years of experience, talents for surgery, internal medicine, physical therapy, pulmonary, etc. and the love of my family. I may not ever get to the point of being fit for the complex procedure planned, but the quality of my remaining days will be much better because I will be around my family. I will ask Dr. Ellen Smith for any ideas about this…(more later.)

However, our trip to Tulsa was not in vain!
We learned a great deal about my tumors and their immediate effects on the whole
(They even answered questions we didn’t know to ask!) The doctors were very open, blunt where necessary. I believed (still do) that Drs. Greeff, Kitterl, Calava, and the team of nurses could handle it. If I can meet the minimal goals* I have set for myself very quickly, then I can be confident the surgery would be the best option for me. High risk, yes, but there is also a potential for great outcome! I learned about better nutrition for fighting cancer. I have an exercise/therapy regime to regain some strength at some point. *The goals that seemed realistic to me:
1. To avoid using the wheelchair to get around indoors, and try to do some outside exercise done.
2. Practice breathing deeply before the surgery so I will be able to manage the respiration work post-op.
3. Improve my balance by strengthening main muscles and gaining flexibility with the opposing muscle.
4. I can access any reasonable thing by myself, strong enough to support my own weight to stand at least a short while.

I made an appointment with Dr. Smith for the next day. It was absolutely wonderful to go back to my “home base.”

Tuesday. I am not well-rested. (No sleep) I have changed a great deal since my last appointment. I wanted to try as many options as possible or as we could afford, in order to beat this thing. I think the only thing that had improved was the red cell count. And it was not so hot at that- I looked pinched and drawn, pale and shockingly frail. I didn’t want to give up.
Dr. Smith was so kind and helpful at that point. She asked me to consider what I wanted in my heart. At this point I was in despair about being able to grow stronger. Every time I fell (twice this time) I had to have extreme assistance; I could not help move my own feet and legs underneath me! Of course, not having good sleep made my face, skin and general appearance rather “haggard.” Dr. Smith and nurse Jatanna have offered their expertise whenever I need anything. I was feeling about then that hospice needed to be involved, and she could expedite the first meeting for us where we can get more information on when to know it's time,etc. (She is almost like a "mother" to her patients.) I think I was asking for "permission" to rest. (In a pejorative, “Quit.”) I couldn’t let my family down, not as long as there was a breath left in me.

I feel like I have crossed some line: that of facing my own end-of-life decision, a lot sooner than I had “planned” to. (You’d think I’d learned by now not to set an agenda like that!) After the day of complete and total rest (the opposite of what my P-T’s instructions were.) I still felt drained as I have never felt before. The only improvement was an attitude change and willingness to keep on going. The tumors were stealing any nutrition I gave it- maybe 500 calories a day (and that’s on a good day.) It's impossible to get 100-110 grams of protein on that! I still could not get out of the chair on my own, and my arms could no longer help me to push my body up off the bed, toilet riser or the bath chair. I cannot continue to walk without feeling extremely dizzy inside. My balance was worsening each day. I was exhausted. But I did not want to be seen as a "quitter!"

I was so frustrated that I was not making progress, no matter how hard I tried to work. Dr. Smith gave me a little perspective. She smiled gently, and said that I was definitely not a "quitter." I had been pro-active in this cancer battle. She told me that I was quite aggressive in doing a lot of self-education, trying to find the best answers to this mostly unsolvable puzzle. I was fighting to win, in spite of the very worst odds, researching every clinical trial out there, asking for Dr. Smith’s ideas and help (which is wonderful!) I was doing a major overhaul in my diet, and taking my ghastly supplements-usually on time (surprise!). I have been trying to keep joy ever-present in me. I am so grateful for how they nourished hope and helped me get my scattered ideas into some coherent form.

I have mentioned in previous postings that I, believed that God had something special he planned for me to do. Maybe I’ll never know what exactly it was. Perhaps it will be just getting out of His way! His great thing may involve the sacrifice of my life in the end. I'm not too worried about it. I am worried about how my children and Jim will make it through the year or two to come. I understand hospice has bereavement counseling for spouses and children to help them feel allowed to grieve and then hopefully to heal the desolate parts of their hearts.

I didn't try to bargain with God, just opened myself to His care of me. So many good and kind people have come into my world and helped renew my hope. I wish this surgery could be attempted; it would be awesome. My "clinical" side would covet a video (with commentary) of all the "juicy parts," so I can be further impressed by Dr. Greeff's and others’ skills, and the sight of a team working together to save me! I feel thatvitually every person I have met since this all started with my recurrent cancer, loves his or her job, and really puts patients first.

At any rate, I know God is listening to all of our prayers, and we will all receive an answer in His timing. (It seldom seems to come in time for me- impatient human!) Believe me when I say, He is always closer to you than you could ever hope or imagine, and bearing you up when you can least feel His Presence. Sometimes I imagine I am walking the Via Dolorosa with Christ toward Calvary. I am not trying to be presumptuous, but perhaps, in my "suffering" (nothing compared to His,) I can identify with Him more, share in His Passion, and maybe ease a little of the trauma of that Good Friday. ("Time" and even "space" have no power over the Creator of it all, so He can be eternally present to each of us yesterday, right now and forever!) Maybe, since He has known all along what would come to be, it would give Him some sweet consolation to share in the suffering with Him. I may be totally wrong, theologically speaking, but in the deepest part of my soul I know He loves a pure heart beating with love for Him. I could never love some of the people He loves; (with endless passion, goodness, and compassion) if it were not Him loving them first and showing me I “can do better” than writing them off as not pleasing enough.

For anyone who reads these blogs: Please don’t give me up to despair. We truly value your prayers spoken in faith for a healing, but even more that I keep my courage and know when NOT to take a risk. Pray for wisdom. I am not always kind when I am scared; pray for a peaceful spirit. While you pray, know that I pray for you, too.
Good Night! Angels wrapping you in the shelter of their wings,
Regine

Surgery Potponed

2005-06-10T00:43:00.000-05:00

I am hanging in there. The surgeon oncologist, the medical oncologist, and the Physical Therapy department, all agreed that I was too weak and out of shape for anything remotely like a surgery of this complexity. I am extremely protein deficient and anemic to a dangerous degree.

Re-Cap of my cancer diagnosis and treatment:
Early in the summer, I noticed a smallish abdominal hernia and it became a bit larger. It was starting to annoy me, and I didn't want to have a loop of small bowel to get entrapped. When doing a pre-op C-T scan, the findings showed not only a hernia (which ended up being a tumor,) but lots of abdominal fluid, and tumors throughout it. Bad news. Recurrent uterine cancer is rare enough and removal of the first uterine tumor (Total Radical Hysterectomy) should have been one of the easier ones, with a high cure rate (90-95%). Anyway, you know the rest- the three chemo drugs did not work, and my Doctor indicated she was "out of ammunition." I tried to get involved in drug studies, but they turned me down for varied reasons. I was left with a phone number to Cancer Treatment Centers of America. (See: http://www.cancercenter.com/southwestern-hospital.cfm ) Everything they say in their ads, with a few minor exceptions, is true. It is not "hype" nor a pretty face put on for future patients. Their doctors are among the best in the world.

Dr. Greeff (the surgeon), Elise Meeks, RN, Dr. Ketterl (medical oncologist) and the physical and occupational therapists (John and Renee) are taking good care of me. Their mission for me for the next two weeks or so, is to set up the program and encourage me for MY mission: To reverse the atrophy that occurred in my muscles and body everywhere since August.

I think it started with being discouraged by extreme pain, which led to lack of hunger, or any desire to exercise. The exercise was helping less and less until I wasn't doing myself any good. Again: pain = poor form, decreased walking, moving carefully to avoid the most pain possible, not stressing the muscles enough to keep their tone, being a “big baby” at times. Once I got the morphine and knocked down all the pain, I was now freer to move. The other thing I needed to address was diet: I was trying to replace the huge amounts of protein, namely albumin, lost every day from my abdominal fluid, so my muscles had nothing to build with, I was literally cannibalizing my protein stores in the muscles. No wonder I felt so sick! At some point I was going to have a metabolic crisis, I think, which would have demoralized me further.

I am going to have PT once per day. Think woosie boot camp- it will feel like Marine Boot Camp to me! I'll be no athlete, but WILL be strong enough to bear surgery and post-op “Physical Torture” (Err- umm you know: PT, Physical Therapy!) and get out of the hospital as soon as possible. I will meet with Renee for Occupational Therapy once a day, also. I will work with Dr. Ellison and the PsychoNeuroImmunology staff, Nutritionist, and the Naturopathy Department. It is a very intense strength and endurance training mission to get me healthier. I will be able to focus on one task only: getting fitter over the next 2-3 weeks. My family is behind me 100%. I am very blessed!

Needless to say, I won’t be having surgery for at least three weeks. So keep praying fervently for me, and that the physical training is successful and that the tumors By June 26 or so, I need to have reached my minimum goals if I will be able to live through the surgery and a much safer and easier recovery. Even if I don’t end up with a “cure,” I can hopefully live a longer, and better quality of life.

Pray that I don’t quit, or whine like a baby. Know I am praying for all of you with every step I take. God bless you!

Love, Regine

Wow! What a difference a day makes!

2005-06-08T20:41:00.000-05:00

I don't know what happened. I am still in shock. Mom, sisters, sit down. I woke up, teary-eyed with disappointment over the events yesterday, worried that my blog was another one of my ICBM cruisers" that would hurt some peoples' feelings. However, I did not have time to check it over, hoping the warning at the head of the blog would be sufficient I was late for PT. (I must have needed the sleep.)

Jim and I arrived at the rehab room so I could get started. Last time I had "Karen," I think. Today we were welcomed by Ethan, though I'm not sure. I forgot to ask his name. I immediately liked these trainers and therapists. They remind me of good buddies who wouldn't let you "fail," respected a good attitude (persistence, real effort, not grouchy too often,) and creatively work around sometimes daunting obstacles to reach a patients' goals. I think that a PT must have a great sense of humor, bodily strength or how to compensate when low, to show by example what it means to be a "smart" exerciser in a sense, and IMAGINATION. I could tell that the therapists really don't do much scolding if they see you really trying. They encourage, joke around, don't pay any attention when people complain about pain or have excuses for not working toward a goal. They are completely non-judgmental, especially with someone like me- "fat, female, in her forties," discouraged for maybe the hundredth time at being able to stick with a fitness plan, who has picked up bad postural habits. And dreads the thought of the PT post-op because she feels like a failure so far, and can't imagine being fit enough to survive the surgery nor the post-op period. (As a matter of fact, I was not too far from the truth on that one!) I didn't want to have such a risky surgery with that against me!

I learned some strengthening for my hips and legs that are important in rising out of a chair easily and much more safely for every one. I have been worried about Jimmy, and his poor back. These exercises can help everyone, and I talked it over with my mom who blessed me by offering to assist me by measuring each day how far I can get to my goal. She might find some benefit to her own strength if she wants to do them with me. I was so happy to give my mom an "assignment." She is so loving and helpful. She is inspiring to Mari and Josh, praising them when they do something without being told- like defrosting and cleaning the deep freeze, and giving the dogs a bath, or cleaning the kitchen! I am impressed!

I felt rejuvenated after the lesson. As I sat at the window of the lobby getting some sun and people-watching. I came to realize that at home, I have done very little to focus attention on nutrition as well as exercise. I wasn't eating enough, especially protein. I was prescribed a diet that was a high-protein, low gycemic diet. I had been trying to build muscle and hence strength on an extremely deficient diet! My friend, an experienced and gifted midwife, sort of helped me think about that and the pieces clicked together- I was literally cannabalizing my own body for its protein, especially with the continuous leaking of peritoneal fluid! I was starting from behind, not a good place to have to get strength and endurance prior to surgery. Perhaps all those misgivings were on target after all. The clincher- getting that protein into my body will be a "full-time job," according to Melanie. I MUST get that protein in.

Next I visited Dr. Nader, the pulmonologist, about the results of the pulmonary function tests. I had "passed" with a large margin to spare! He was so understanding, and clear about what could be expected with the trachea (E-T) tube, post-op and in SCU (Special Care Unit) and how my fear was entirely normal, understandable and manageable! There actually are plenty of drugs that can help me through this rough period without further depressing my respiration. I was so grateful for his opinion, and started to hope again.

This was going amazingly well. A real shocker. I am just grateful to God for His wisdom, and helping the doctors advocate for my best possible care. It just kept getting better and better. I ate one more clear-liquid diet (lunch) and was going to find out for once and for all if I could eat REAL food and check out of this joint!

Next was a talk with Dr. Greeff and he said that they really felt like this was totally possible and we should move along as planned. I guess I butted in, "But I don't think my body is fit for surgery at this point- wouldn't it be a good plan to build up and strengthen over the next 2-3 weeks (really devoutly focus on it,) and then do the surgery?" or at least that was going through my mind as he seemed to read my mind! (Or I read his- but he was probably first.) He told me nothing could be harmed by waiting once more, and to call Elise (God bless this woman!) and keep them updated about my progress. When I could tell I had improved enough to tackle this one, I could call Elise and they would schedule the surgery at that time. He sounded so enthused again, and could tell I was very glad as well. I could have cried!

It was like someone on my team had read last night's blog and got a chuckle, maybe, and alerted the right people. ( I checked the blog and it wasn't half as bad as I had worried that it was. In fact, I was pretty funny, along with the scathing details.) I'm telling you, this surgeon can do some incredible things! I have such a gut-level confidence in his abilities, that I am willing to endure the recovery, do the work I need to do to even get to post-op recovery. I just needed to have the "reserves" of energy and the strength just to get started on the post-op work of healing!

I'm doin' the happy dance, Abby! I'm the super dog-diggity bomb, Leslie! Mom you will be so glad- I will really need your encouragement if you can stay long enough for this surgery to come about. I think you will be needed, Melanie, in July! I am so delighted you made it here because I really needed you with me, Esther- you literally light up my world! (With appropriate credit to Our Savior and Lord, as He created you!) Mari and Josh, my steadfast champions, I am SO VERY PROUD OF YOU. You guys have had more than your share of bad things to deal with, yet you keep thinking of ways to do some surprise that is a real blessing to me and others. Your Daddy loves all three of you and so do I (Smooch, smooch, smooch! XXXOOO!)

This just feels so right to me.

I truly believe the Holy Spirit knows the bond the sisters have along with their mom, and that is why we are friends; why we look out for each other. Thank you for using your innate wisdom (the Holy Spirit) to call me, email me, whatever, and tell me about your unexplainable fear of my doing this right now. It may have saved my life. I don't think I would have made it off the operating room table (basically Dr. King's words) if I had pushed for this, even with all the blocks seemingly put in my way:
- the inability to tolerate the pre-op bowel cleansing/prep program,
- the really strong worries on the part of Dr. King my internal medicine physician,
- the problem with the anesthesiologist (poor guy to get tangled with me!)
- my physical stamina taking a nosedive, even though it was just about as low as it could go.
- the look of disappointment on a fine surgeon's face spoke most loudly.

Now I must get to work. On June 9, we will be going home (as soon as Dr. Greeff can break for any last minute things.) I am content. Keep praying for me! Pray that I win this race for my life!

God's always in charge, praise be to Him!
I'm going to sleep better this night... Sweet Dreams,
Regine

Patience, please!!!! No energy or time to edit. Very blunt and honest material enclosed!

2005-06-07T23:22:00.000-05:00

WARNING: This blog is written as a letter to my team, to whom I will defer everytime to their professional recommendation. It's a letter about some disappointing things, but it is all going to be OK. I am at peace.

I perceive that I have even less time than I thought and amazing hindrances to the surgery have popped in my way- such as vomiting all of my Mag-Citrate needed (to clean my gut) before any kind of surgery can go forward. The sudden, eerie sense of foreboding, just "out of the blue" that my mother and two sisters have been struggling with at the exact same time in 3 separate, far-flung locales in the US, and without talking to each other about this at all. They were all originally thrilled and hopeful that a chance to save me was possible. It all showed up at virtually the same moment and day for them. There was my sense of feeling "lighter" or "less substantial," in the wierdest way. Maybe God is trying to tell me something. Please don't call me for a couple of weeks. I have no more idea than you what will happen next. It exhausts me to field all the requests for information, even though I appreciate the love, care and concern- with all my heart. It frustrates me not to be able to do as much, even chat on the phone! That's the purpose of the blog. I am not perfect at keeping it up, but don't worry- you'll know if you just have patience, and wait for me to write it out. Anyway, here goes (for anyone who cares to know) what I think...(That's what I love about a blog- I can complete a thought and have my say, and if people WANT to know, they can. If they don't want to know how I view things, they don't have to hear me on a soapbox!) By the way, the email symbol is supposed to be disabled. I don't feel I have to answer or even look at them, especially if they are flamers. So save yourselves the trouble. Or email /snail-mail me the usual way.

As I have written before, I was scheduled to come back this week for further tests of my fitness for surgery (thereby increasing the odds I will come through the surgery on a gurney to the recovery room as opposed to in a big black bag...) I think it's an excellent idea. I am fighting to LIVE after all. I totally trust in the honesty of this hospital. I just wish some of the staff on my "team" would take some time out for an earwax removal or look into the concept of hearing aides. They are really better than ever these days! I believe the team members are truly among the best in the world at what they do. I trust their judgement. I think they have done wonderful things here for many, many people. I expect them to be excellent in their specialties.

I had a first examination with a pre-op nurse, I was very clear about certain phobias I have, one of them being the trach tube left in while I was conscious, for too long a time. I will panic. It's all about suffocation. Even just 15-20 minutes of unyielding fear and panic is a lot to tolerate. I've witnessed such agony from a friend (who has undergone a heart surgery) first hand. I argued for him, but I also wanted to keep on the nurse's good side. They told me he hadn't finished doing his time, he could not possibly have the ability to keep oxygenated enough to remove the E-T tube this soon! Did I hear right? Are they supposed to be on a schedule of trach releases? Is it like an assembly line?
I guess medical staff don't look at color or vitals in these modern days, you're just supposed to marinate in your fear, and endogenously produced epinephrine or adrenaline until terror brings those blessed endorphins and enkephalins into play: "Oops! He's cooked long enough- I guess we can take the tube out. O-hh! Did we take too long? I didn't think we were farting around with the packaging and trying to guess his trach size in case it wasn't quite long enough! So sorry, sir. My apologies."

Now I have this fear, right? I've never been able to attend the numerous Tracheal Tube Phobia Seminars in my area. (Sorry- sarcasm.) I really didn't expect to have to go into surgery too often. It's a legitimate terror of suffocation and drowning. I've never experienced post-op awake and aware intubation. I don't want to. That does NOT mean I won't give it my fullest cooperation, but I also assumed that (because these doctors learn new techniques and ideas all the time,) that perhaps there was something new down the pike to help people deal with it better. I felt I needed to inform them of this and was told the BEST person to ask was my terrific anesthesiologist. (No sarcasm.I promise.) Guess what!? There is nothing to help me nor any creative ways to work around my fear, nor medications which do not depress the respiratory effort even further. I am the first to want to keep that thing, frightful as it is, for as long as it takes to be sure I have the functional volume to handle breathing on my own. THAT'S ALL. I just don't like being interrupted with defensive parries when I am just looking for IDEAS. I think it is condescending to be told,"Well sweetie, your just going to have to realize..." Whoa, there, babe!- You've just lost my trust right there! I guess you haven't learned that you (and I) don't "HAVE" to do anything and am pretty sure the person facing death with courage is quite a bit more aware of the reality in life, most likely better than a healthy young male with a long and fuitful life ahead of him. That statement you were about to make was really not helpful. What harm does it do to attempt a creative solution to my worries? I know better than to expect guarantees or promises of success. If it can't be helped, OK! I want to be as comfortable as possible. I may be a lowly, ugly, fat, unattractive person who happens to be a"Dr." I may be just an old retired country animal doctor, but really, people, I am fighting to live. Of course we are not up to the medical 'superiority' of the human medical doctor. But I think attitude and sheer WILL trumps the "experts" every day in this business of healing! I guess that's what I get for being scared of something and trying to find a way to cope better. (Bad vet! Bad vet!) As the conversation went along I felt rather frustrated and sick and tired of being ignored. I get things out a little slowly, and I am brutally and firmly honest. I wasn't trying to keep th doctor from speaking or trying t be helpful, but I needed him to really listen to me. I guess giving the Dr. all the background is just not necessary. I intended it to explain my request for help in dealing with this. If he didn't have any answers- cool! I'd find another way. I am a very cooperative patient, but I ask many questions. I felt this Dr. was trying to think of what he was going to say next, only superficially hearing me, at best. He was defensive, and yet he kindly told me, "If I seem to be talking down to you or confusing you..." (Here I was a bad patient! I interrupted. ) I simply said, "You are." "What?" " I feel as if you were talking down to me."

Hey, guys, he ASKED! I answered because I thought he wanted to know this so he could do a better job listening. I guess I was wrong- again.

(Note to self: Every socially competent person knows that when someone says "If I am being (name the negative behavior or attitude here) I want to know. You can trust me. Be honest..." Do NOT believe it! They are just being rhetorical! Sheesh!) Silly me! It gets better...

I am extremely ill, (more on that later) and at any other time I might like to hear about how wonderful he is with all his patients, and that he has NEVER been told that he ever talked down to anyone (!) in his life as a physician, and on and on. At least three or four times. (Here it comes, the salvo that really did it:) I quietly and tearfully (exhaustion and illness can do this.) said, "Perhaps you haven't dealt with a completely honest patient before." Virtually any other time, when I am healthy, feel more confidence in the whole process, I would love to hear of his ways of dealing with patients, and their foibles and failings with sincerity! I am certain he is a wonderful, kind doctor. If I wasn't retired from veterinary medicine, I could learn a lot from him in working with my clients, and thereby improving care for their "children" (pets). Really.

But at this point it was all over. I wasn't going being heard, and I pissed him off, I guess. I thought we were part of a team and that my concerns should be certainly taken into account with the same attention as the medical chart and lab results. There may be nothing that can be done to make it any better, but that's OK. I just was surprised that there was this magical, invisible point (that should perhaps be made clearer to me,) when it is time for me to to quit asking for help, for answers to questions, seeking ideas, learning from the current research, etc. I am not going to be at my intellectual best when I am just fightng to make it through each day! I apologize for being so unreasonable. It seemed reasonable to me at that moment.

Now, about that very, very ill diagnosis. It's strange, but all the enthusiasm, trust and excitement over this 'elegant' piece of surgery has become a strange sense of forboding with two of my sisters, my Mom and a friend. We were all so hopeful that this was a truly daring and innovative way to help me have a better chance to live longer. In addition, over the past two weeks I have suddenly felt what it feels like to "decline." Like the old family dog who just knows his time will soon be up. It's an odd feeling. The "life-candle" seems to be consumed at a faster rate than before, and a complete tiredness and feeling of bits and pieces of myself are getting ready to float. indeed, some have "already left." I am vehemently NOT a new ager, but a devout Catholic with total trust in God. I felt at peace and wanted to go ahead and try the surgery if it felt like a good idea. Again, anything can happen. I personally believe that if my team trusts me, and is behind me all the way, there's no telling what may be accomplished! I trust my team. I trust their misgivings and reasons for concern. I am honored they would continue ALWAYS to try to put my life and health as their main prority. And they would be honest. Even if it nixed the surgery. If I have poor pulmonary function, CHF, high clot risk- the worst thing to do is to go ahead with such a surgery, no matter how "cool" it may be.

I don't have much of a death wish here. I certainly have concerns about aftercare in terms of what my husband is capable of, but that's just a fact I need to prepare for. I need to have the right people around who have the gift of nurturing. I don't expect anything from Jim. If I don't have a strong network post-op in the "non-medical" things, if I can't depend on certain things (past experience here, folks) then I am going to be creative and do my best, all by myself if necessary, to locate friends and people who can. That's simple logic. I thought that was a good thing. I don't hate Jim for being the way he is, he just panics. He can't handle this. I'm trying to make it so he doesn't have to worry about it.

Hence, I was deeply concerned over the serious demeanor, almost tragic aspect to Dr. King. It was almost like he knew. He seems like he has a gift or sense of "goodness" or"wrongness" in my body within a rapid period of time. I frlt he could be trusted and I was puzzled he seemed sad. Someone later told me not to worry, he's serious like that. He was so gentle, and kind and thoughtful, I felt very comfortable trusting his judgement. He noticed something that has only been present for the last week and a half- venous distension in the jugular groove, which is a really bad thing to see in a horse. You can pretty much write that mare or gelding off, because death is near, (Remember the unexplainable "fading" feeling I've been having?) Hmm. Maybe it is different in people. The edema and venous congestion in my legs and feet led him to ask why I wasn't wearing any support stockings, etc. I was never prescribed them at any point in my cancer journey. I wasn't sure what he was even talking about. chalked it up to my extreme exhaustion, and trying to rise above it and help the doctors and pre-op out as much as possible. There is a beastly fungal infecton in the pannus and under my "deflated" breasts (Purposeful surgical weight loss) (Yay!) Something I have been trying to clear up for some time.

Now we have 2 negative things: possible cardiac/pulmonary problems. Problem #3: my para-paresis and ataxia on foot are far from desireable, but I have been as diligent as I can about strengthening myself. Do you realize how frustrating it is that it doesn't get better, in fact gets worse, no matter how hard I give in the training? And adding insult to injury, I get looks of disbelief, as if I am a lying malingerer, too lazy to try to get better. PT program reccomended. Don't worry, my own Dad thinks I'm not trying enough, either. I just have to keep doing what I believe is my best- and then a little more. Did anyone have a clue (other than Elise) that I was trying to be "ahead of the game?" I asked for (and went to) a PT appointment the last time I was here.(It was fun, I like the therapists a lot!) I was doing all the things she asked. I am not lazy, nor faking ANYTHING!

So I was surprised I heard this morning that it looks like everything was "Go" for the surgery. I was sure Dr. King looked too morose to have given his approval. Great! Today I would get to firm up plans for this, ask the anesthesiologist (as I was told to do) about my concerns, and Dr. Greeff about anything else pertaining to surgery. I was surprised I had not seen Dr. Ketterl by now, since I figured she'd have some thoughts and ideas to share as well. I like and respect her as fully as I do ALL of you. I also thought Mena was my case worker, but maybe it changes every visit, I don't know. Or she's on vacation or something. I've only had a brief contact on the phone with a different caseworker. I felt rushed. She must have been very busy. I think she said her name was Jeanine.

After the appointment with the anesthesiologist, suddenly everything was different. Dr. Gleef, you have lost the sparkle and joy about doing this. What really happened? It's OK. Perhaps we've been on a detour. You looked sad, and sort of repeated the "bedside manner" talk, when it's not even an issue for me. I care about competence, not bedside comfort (though I don't mind it, either!) Suddenly, it seems you have lost faith (in me?) Somehow wires got crossed and Dr. King was now VERY reluctant to approve surgery after all.. I wasn't "imagining" his demeanor, after all. He really had good reasons to be concerned. I value my life, and I appreciate the care. But it seems awfully odd to have it all come down, to a "post-ponement" or complete change of plans, after I pissed off a member of the team. Or is it really a team? Was I mistaken? And it turns out I should have been directed to the pumonologist for the answers to my questions, anyway! I am so sorry I had the gall to be nosy about my health. I really wasn't trying to make anyone mad!

I suppose if you have read this far, and I seem "bats" to you, well, I guess I can't do much about that. I am a pretty difficult (and unusual )Myers-Briggs type personality to some people, though- an"INTP." Look it up. It fit me to a "T."

I had this impression from the marketing department that there would be one or more, team meetings to discuss the case, what each team member was thinking, work on plans, ideas, etc. How incredible is that? It's so progressive and important to encourage participation from the cancer survivor as well as the medical and surgical and all the other healing modalities you can bring to bear. (The picture in the first two pages of the brochure I was sent showed a person, clearly the patient, and all the professionals, nurses, and doctors alike, sitting around a table discussing the case with the patient and family.) Fairy Meek's story further confirmed this as she noted this same thing was very meaningful for her. It was a bit misleading, I guess, and added to the feeling of being "tacked on" to the list of projects during a busy time of transition to the new Medical Center. I am OK with that, but again, I was mistaken, if a little diappointed, that that is not how things are done here. I suppose I don't have the same concept of "team" that CTCA seems to have. It was too good to be true. I wish it were, but I live in the land of (sometimes brutal) reality, and have no illusions about how dangerous and risky this surgery was, that I may not make it out of the hospital, etc. I would never subject myself to something that didn't make perfect sense.

I would like to free you to discharge me if need be. It won't hurt my feelings, and would make Aetna much more likely to pay for all these excellent tests and information I learned from here. The finances are very very serious for us right now. I don't want my family to lose all the insurance benefit when I die, paying for a bill up here. I will never regret giving it a try. If I am not a good fit, I want to free up the time devoted to my case, to let someone else with a better looking outcome benefit from your expertise. I can see my doctor in town. She is extremely good, and will be happy to try Gleevec and any other reasonable treatment. I am fully aware that I had only a 5% or less probability of survival from the time I was diagnosed. And that generally no more than 30-40% response rates to the three chemos I've tried could be expected. I will always be glad to know more about my body, grieve at its presumable demise, and get my affairs in order. There is so much I need to do!

Thank you very much for the time and attention given my case. Let's see what can be done tomorrow- in Austin. or Tulsa.

Love, Regine

2005-06-06T02:03:00.000-05:00

Gee, Jim, I may be a know-it-all, but I don't know it "all." 'Way apst time for bed. Good night!

2005-06-06T02:01:00.000-05:00

Updatig the blog. Jim made it safely up here, driving for 7 to 71/2 hours. I was treated to flying in a brand new plane and the happiest and most compassionate flight personnel I have met so far!

2005-06-06T01:56:00.000-05:00

We are in the uest room at the medical center. Loved ones have access to housing for free or low cost, depending on financil need.

2005-06-06T01:53:00.000-05:00

A quick photo before bedtime. Big day omorrow.

2005-06-06T01:52:00.000-05:00

Gigantic Horse scupture at P. F. Chang's in Austin. We celebrated 23 years of life shared together. Wow- I am still tying to know him better!

2005-06-06T01:49:00.000-05:00

Jimmy (still at Luby's) In a pensive moment. He gets even better looking as he gets older, I think.

2005-06-06T01:46:00.000-05:00

Daddy and I ate liver at Luby's (for an iron source for me.)I'm pretty anemic.

I tested my email to see if it sent stuff to my blog...

2005-06-04T00:28:00.000-05:00

I guess it didn't. I wrote to a sweet friend today. I liked what I wrote in the last half of her email. She hasn't seen the little tykes in awhile so I thought I'd clue her in on the REAL Klecka kids and then I thought, "Everyone needs to rads this one." Jimmy never laughs at my funnies, and I have to get them out somewhere!) So, if it comes up twice, just assume nirvana, and go back to whatever important thing it was you were doing when you took a break. I'll fix it when I feel like it, O-KAY??? (I like this, Leslie. I get to be a little snippy, and chalk it up to "fatigue from chemo" or something.) (Ha-ha!)

Here goes:

I hope my goofy weblog helps to sort of bring things up to date. Some thotz b4 bedtime- (Yeah I know-GET TO BED!)

About my kids:
Disclaimer (in fine print): Everything BAD and any mistakes I make in this note is Jimmy's fault.
Everything good about is (of course) because of me. (Ha!)
Poor Jimmy. He really is a dad who loves his kids. They are lucky to have him. He's the only parent/adult around here who hasn't acquired brain-fogitis due to pregnancy! (And they say we women can't take a joke!)

You would love these guys, I think. I'd have to call them "spicy" kids. Unlike many of my home schooling friends, I worry less about THEM being corrupted by the ways of the world and more that they might do the corrupting! (...Hmmm. Could that be why the kids keep asking them to come back?) They have really warped ideas of what is funny. They are adventurous. They've acquired a taste for amusements involving fire, heights, speed, rain-swollen bodies of water, wild critters anything with a touch of danger and excitement- (usually not all at the same time, though.) They are nice enough not to tell me all the gory details of their escapades (the dangerous ones) because when I find out (usually 3 years later, but I always find out) my head spins around 720 degrees, I start the head-bobbing, drooling and hand- clapping and making rude sounds. ( "Oh mo-om! Not again...you've got to stop embarrassing us! Secretly though, I think they like to watch that happen.) They really don't like to be told, "No."
They are Unconventional.
Unshakable.
Cocky, at times.
Blunt.
And that's just Esther, our oldest (19, college), and presumably best mannered!
In other words, exactly like Jimmy. It is totally his fault. Really.

Kidding! Though they are definitely not "saints," they're pretty normal. They like to have fun. Too much sometimes. But I think overall we all have it pretty good around here. I think I'll keep 'em.
But hold on a minute there... I'm open to renting them out at the right price... Say, for that very tightly-wound "anal" 30-something couple, living in the 2- bedroom across the hall, who feels their biological clock is fixing to wind down, but by golly they want to have a KID! They have worked hard for this and now they are ready treat themselves to the next "project" in their "life list" (schedule.) Maybe name it some trendy name. I'm thinkin' Esther or Josh, especially, could quickly bring them their reality check! (I want my "check" made out to me in advance, though...I worked hard to train these experts!)

Nah-I don't really mean that. I'm probably just jealous they have a "real life." Oops! Gotta go. Jim Getting restless- hates lights on when trying to sleep. Nighty night!

Some thotz and laffs (and bad slang) b4 bedtime- (Yeah I know-GET TO BED!)

2005-06-04T00:27:00.000-05:00

I hope my goofy weblog helps to sort of bring things up to date. Some thotz b4 bedtime- (Yeah I know-GET TO BED!)

About my kids:

Disclaimer (in fine print): Everything BAD and any mistakes I make in this note is Jimmy's fault.

Everything good about is (of course) because of me. (Ha!)

Poor Jimmy. He really is a dad who loves his kids.

You would love these guys, I think. I'd have to call them "spicy" kids. Unlike many of my home schooling friends, I worry less about THEM being corrupted by the ways of the world and more that they might do the corrupting! (...Hmmm. Could that be why the kids ask them to come back?) They have really warped ideas of what is funny. They are adventurous. They've acquired a taste for amusements involving fire, heights, speed, rain-swollen bodies of water, wild critters anything with a touch of danger and excitement- (usually not all at the same time, though.) They are nice enough not to tell me all the gory details of their escapades (the dangerous ones) because when I find out (usually 3 years later, but I always find out) my head spins around 720 degrees, I start the head-bobbing, drooling and hand- clapping and making rude sounds. ( "Oh mo-om! Not again...you've got to stop embarrassing us! Secretly, I think they like to watch that happen.) They really don't like to be told, "No."

They are Unconventional.

Unshakable.

Cocky, at times.

Blunt.

And that's just Esther, our oldest (19, college), and presumably best mannered!

In other words, exactly like Jimmy. Really.

Kidding! Though they are definitely not "saints," they're pretty normal. They like to have fun. Too much sometimes. But I think overall they have it pretty good around here. I think I'll keep 'em.

But I'm open to renting them out at the right price... Say, for that very tightly-wound "anal" 30-something couple, living in the 2- bedroom across the hall, who feels their biological clock is fixing to wind on down, but by golly they want to have a KID! They have worked hard for this and now they are ready treat themselves to the next "project" in their "life list" (schedule.) Maybe name it some trendy name. Esther or Josh, especially, could quickly bring them their reality check! (I want my "check" made out to me in advance, though...I worked hard to train these experts!)

I don't really mean that. I'm probably just jealous they have a "real life." Oops! Gotta go. Jim Getting restless- hates lights on when trying to sleep. Nighty night!

Prince Valiant...my man, is he "in da house..?"

2005-06-03T22:12:00.000-05:00

News Flash!
An email to the bearer of shining armor in this castle was released today around bedtime It conveyed the following message:

I know you do not agree, but this is what I want:
(I promise “it won’t put my eye out…" -from the film "A Christmas Story")

1.5GHz PowerPC (Power Book with SuperDrive and 12"display)
It's beautiful.
It costs:

Base: $1,699.00 (without upgrades)SUBTOTAL: $2,223.00 (with upgrades) (OUCH!)

** The Alternative:

A "Mac Mini" (with some upgrades*) A 1.42GHz PowerPC G4

Subtotals:
Base Price (256MB SDRAM Standard): $599.
With 512 MB SDRAM and other upgrades: $1096.
With 1GB SDRAM and the other upgrades: $1271

Tax not included
PROMO: Shipping is free right now.
Estimated ship: 1-3 business days

However, also listed above is another acceptable (though slower) means to an alternative**. It has the range and wireless power I need BUILT IN: lots of memory, (I've already used up 1/2 my computer's hard drive memory- 2.1 GB of it!) and more importantly, l think I deserve better from than to be ignored, humiliated, "dissed," shown contempt, etc. about this desire!
Certainly, you couldn't be valuing me as worth less than $2400, could you?
I think of it as compensation for your lack of attention to me (and more importantly, to the romantic “heart” side of my soul) 20 out of 24 hours daily (on a good day.) It's a pretty CHEAP "pacifier," to be honest. At least I can get SOME of what I need (especially in the hospital recovering, bored and lonely), such as:
attention,
compassion,
mothering,
comforting,
encouragement,
engaging philosophical (or “sollyphysical,”) and friendly conversation with another adult, and
I can learn new things, expanding my knowledge base on the important issues of our times!
And all of this from my bedroom or front porch when I have temporarily lost my freedom to move out and about!

I'm not so much angry as disillusioned and sad It’s as if I went to the prom expecting to meet Prince Valiant, my handsome knight and guardian, protector brave and true, who had been waiting all his life for me and couldn't wait to see me again. Instead of ending up in his arms, the carriage must have missed a turn somewhere; I was dropped off into the domain of the Black Knight- an otherworldly, brooding, tall dark and handsome “shy kind of guy,” with an impoverished outlook on his world. He is harsh, yet sad. He is often in “another place” and emotionally absent. I don’t think it’s a place where I would belong. Something is keeping him from finding Peace.

No matter how much empathy I want to have for this Black Knight, I cannot be the One who can give that kind of Peace. Only God can do that. He helps me keep my Joy, and helps me to Acceptance; to the Truth, and to Reality. “It's going to be good,” He assures me, “All good.” All through this, I have kept Joy (and Hope) alive in my soul. Even when I am very sad, it's still there.

Jimmy, I won't "die" if I don't get the Mac. It’s just a symbol. A good illustration for an important discussion if you would have it with me. I can’t tell you these things out loud because I express myself better in writing. It forces me to slow down and organize what I want to say. I bet you know how it is; I can rephrase something. I can TRY to make it more clear and understandable. That computer is a "want", and not a "need," of course.

Nevertheless, “wish fulfillment” can feel pretty good, too, especially when it’s from the heart. If you marry someone else after I am gone, try to remember that. I think romantically-inclined women (like yours truly) ant to experience an idea that their man has first pondered, then planned, and then executed with his own loving touch- with nary a word from the “Ole Battle-ax” (Er-Um...the wife…Gotta stick with the knights and castles metaphor, you see...). I assure you that "ax" would become a soft and gentle kitten, then! Enough of the descriptions. Back to me, now (yeah I'm being selfish again.)… FOCUS.

Inevitably, no matter what I do, the “Black Knight” (have you figured it out? You’re the B.K.) is slipping away where I will never find him to influence him, to remind him he is loved. And if I don't protect myself, by “being kind to Regine,” especially when you display such contempt for my feelings and pain, then I will surely slide into the abyss WITH you! I refuse to EVER go there again! I am not a greedy, selfish, self-indulgent, lazy, ugly, stupid, Big Bad Bertha.( At least not most of the time!) When I recover from this surgery and the cancer, I will finish losing the weight. I will probably look and feel GOOD. However, on the inside I will be continuing to die a little more each day, not only due to the cancer, but because my "Prince//Back Knight/ Better Half" is leaving me to deal with the wraiths and other distasteful denizens alone. The castle is locked up tight against the elements. (To keep others out? To keep oneself behind the walls? Are you worried you might hurt yourself, or the kids? Me? Anyone? I just don’t believe you would want to have the power to hurt us or anyone. )

It's like you've already decided to write me off and go far away so you don't have to look at my face and (temporarily I hope!) grotesque body. It seems as if, in your mind, I am already a dead and lifeless corpse. Corpses don’t ask for much. They don't feel. They don't breathe or run away. They offer very little of importance in and of themselves. Sometimes, the lucky ones have people who remember them when the soul animated them, and what kind of gifts they brought into the world. But the “shell,” even treated gently, isn't "worth" much. Have I becom that to you already? I truly hope not. Love chooses another path. I wish we were on that one TOGETHER.

Well, that’s the end of my fairy-tale for tonight. I know that many of us spouses go into marriage wanting to be “rescued,” to find a safe harbor, to finally get the “love they have been missing their entire lives. I’m pretty sure I was one of these. I went in thinking that my “Black Knight” could be healed and become my own personal “Prince Valiant.” Of course, friends of mine know how it all has turned out. Love is not a noun. You don’t “get” Love, like an infection. You do Love. You make love. You share Love. And something that I am still learning is that you choose Love. Choose love. At that the point, the fairy-tale ends, and something deeper, stronger, more nourishing and fruitful begins. You get to Live. You get to be part of a bigger Plan than you ever imagined. That’s a LOT more hopeful, joyful and True than “happily ever after” now, is’nt it?

OK! Good Night! I am really gonna do it this time- go to bed before 11 pm!
I’ll pray that God give you all inner Joy, and His Peace. Shalom,
Regine

Too much introspection. Have fun or ... deal w/it!

2005-05-31T04:54:00.000-05:00

I'M AN intp- I THINK I'D GUESSED THAT, TOOK ONLINE "TEST" TO CONFIRM, IT WAS RIGHT DEAD-ON. Oops-caps off, now. Wouldn't want someone to get the wrong idea.

I asked Esther, "Which were you?" I know she was the rarest type, (INTP?)(I'm clearly just trying to be "special" here, huh?) and we have the same profile?I always thought we were VERY different. Anyway that one fits me to a "T."

Esther is a remarkable person. Just talking with her today about her paper made me think about personality types for some reason. Her ideas about language and its power and the NEED for alternate means of expression of ideas in a truly free society were profound. I was so floored by her insight, and (thanks to Her Highness, Queen of Everything) am losing another night of sleep "obsessing" about this idea on the 'Net! It's so fun, though!

Abby- I'll bet you've done this. What profile do you tend toward? (If you want to share it.)

Melanie, Jim and Nancy, Sara and friends: I don't know why I suddenly think this is kind of important for you to know about me. Perhaps it is an attempt to "not be forgotten" or to give people an honest way to describe me, warts and all. I am also not sure why it is so important for the truth about me and my "baggage" as well as any positive attributes be known. Maybe I am just trying to be conceited and an attention-seeker! (Hey- I've got to cover all the options!) I just hate the thought of being falsely "haloed" as a "good" or saintly person, which I am not. I'd make a great senior thesis or grad study of weird people, wouldn't I?

I feel as if only God will ever really know what is true about me, what I think, what I am capable of, and He is certainly trying me out! (Prayer time...) Oh, Helper/Protector/Guide/Holy Spirit, keep me honest and true. Help me to deal with reality, and not wishes so much. I have weak faith- confirm it more, perhaps let me see You in the glimpses and impressions that imprint in my thoughts over the day. Or just let me see You, in Your people. Help my memory to better preserve these images so I can learn from them. I am scared.

I want to believe with certainty that knowing Someone is in charge of the Bigger Plan, and that He is Wise, and Good, and Empathetic (He has felt any emotion I could ever imagine with exquisite power, and yet He has mastered them.) The realm of emotions are at the same time fascinating and terrifying. I like to be "in control" of them, to examine them from afar (where they won't hurt me) and imagine the most heinous things that could occur if I really let myself feel it completely. I talk a good line about "Emotions are good. They're just information. Feelings are ephmeral, etc." but rarely delve very deeply into the stronger ones- anger, grief, terror. (Be patient, this is actually going somewhere here!) I am too lazy (or fearful?) to put the energy into them unless I am strongly provoked. There is sort of a parallel here where I am lazy about physical exercise, and I am intellectually lazy as well. Or fearful that the learning curve will take too long and I'll look stupid for longer than I can tolerate. I can really understand the reluctance my kids have to not try new things because they fear they won't be competent from the start, and that's humiliating!

I am suspicious, if we take the PNI (Psycho-Neuro-Immunology) as a viable model, that this avoidance of healthy behaviors could lead to cancer, and metablic cyndrome and other chronic health problems. FOR EXAMPLE: Little to no exercise=> too much weight gain=> increased girth measurement=> metabolic disease=> polycystic ovary (in my case) in a vicious cycle=>weight gain => further degradation to health, metabolic syndrome, etc. => eventually cancer, or autoimmune disease or chronic health problems. When I accentuate it in my mind, as well (stuffing or avoiding emotions)=> reinforce self- destructive behaviors=> prohibit any positive behavior changes (before even trying them) => lose more control => increased frustration and possible reinforcement of destructive behaviors... Does this make sense to anyone else? Probably not.

Anyway it's one thing to KNOW and another to TAKE ACTION, which is a weak area for me. (Laziness again?) and a tough fault to overcome. You see I am fighting more against myself than for better health. All because it's boring, or I think I know it all or something. Now I am paying a price, the price of immaturity in some important areas of growth. It's hard to learn all over again!

OK, this is starting to bore me. Gotta go!
Love to you all, Regine

Surgery dates are Narrowing Down.Mon.05.23.2005

2005-05-23T09:39:00.000-05:00

I received a call back from Elise, Dr. Greeff's nurse at the Cancer Treatment Centers of America-Tulsa. She said this week was very chaotic, and that it would most likely be Tuesday or Wednesday of next week. (Monday is Memorial Day.)

We would need to come up Thursday or Friday for pre-op appointments and lab. Because of past history of diabetes, hypothyroidism, etc. All will be moving pretty fast toward the end of this week.

Now I would like to make a stab at tidying up a few things before we leave. I hope I don't lose my nerve between now and the surgery. I need to get into the habit of taking new supplements and a few medications. I also need to work on the physical therapy exercises they gave me. Having a little bit more time will be a good thing.

The webpage for the Southwest Regional Medical Center in Tulsa is:
http://www.cancercenter.com/southwestern-hospital.cfm
It is a wonderful place. Without exception, at least on this trip we took to Tulsa, everyone seemed eager to help, to listen, to comfort in any way they could. Patients come FIRST here. The doctors are excellent, were up to date on the latest therapies. They have a foundation which subsidises private research in the hospitals, but you don't have to participate to get care. They look at the whole person, which can be difficult to do in a larger setting. Just read about it in the above link, it's pretty accurate to what we experienced.

I am taking a pretty big risk by having this surgery. If it goes well, we'd be so far ahead, not like it was back in July, but still reducing the tumor burden considerably. It could allow the chemo and radiation to penetrate further and more effectively into the remaining metastases. There is, at this point no reasonable chance of a cure. The surgery and chemo+radiation post-op will be with a view to make me more comfortable longer, and perhaps extend a good quality of life with my family. I think the trade-off is good. 6 weeks of surgery and recovery, more Chemo, enhanced with radiation, and maybe a new compound will come around and could lead to a possible cure one day. I am just buying time with this procedure- I hope. It sounds intriguing. I wish I could watch!
Well, til I know more, Take good care of yourselves!
Regine

Sunday morning May 22, 2005 Trinity Sunday

2005-05-22T06:28:00.000-05:00

A short brief entry. I am "wiped out" due to all the traveling, late nighters, etc.
Please pray for me, adding all your praises to the Lord, anking Him with me for his mercy and kindness. Pray for my mom. She fractured a rib from a fall and it's very painful. Pray for better relief from the pain, please Lord let her know You love her as we all do.

http://ourjourneyofhope.com/spiritual-support/testimonials/martin-berkofsky.cfm

Esther, I’ve been offered an extraordinary opportunity for my cancer to be removed “debulked,” as much as possible. It would be performed by a well-regarded surgeon, Dr. Pierre Greef.

His profile: http://www.cancercenter.com/southwestern-hospital/physicians/pierre-greeff.cfm

I had a feeling in my gut that this is the place I need to be. Through prayer and meditation, I feel at peace with CTCA and the proposed surgery. Sometimes I am a risk taker, and this may be one of those times!

It has plenty of risks. But this surgeon was very clear and honest:

1. I could die during or shortly after, the operation. (He gave me no numbers, but it’s a risk, at least like all surgery can be.)

2. He may open me up and find he cannot remove the tumors without compromising an important vital organ. He just doesn’t know for sure until it is evident before him.

3. I may have to have a part of my bowel resected, which can easily become an infection if, during tumor removal, any weak, friable tissue opened up and contaminated the peritoneum. Massive IV antibiotics to prevent sepsis, and probably a long time in ICU, etc. However, he says this is extremely rare.

4.My liver actually has enough functional tissue! I have more liver than tumor! Yippee!

5. Without question, this will be an aggressive approach, and I will need to be tough to get through it. Dr. Greeff said the hysterectomy and the gastric by-pass weight loss surgery were nothing compared to the post-op work at recovery I will be doing.

6. I could end up having to use a colostomy bag the rest of my life if there is too much bowel involved in the metastases. People have survived and dealt with this before. I can, too.

7. The goal, this time around is to remove as much malignant material as possible, THEN zap it with chemo and radiation after about 4-6 weeks.

8. Meanwhile I will be rehabbing, building strength and boosting my metabolism with healthy foods and very high quality nutritional supplements (I don’t know HOW we are going to pay for them-$500/month).

9. I will have between 4-6 weeks of recovery time until we can safely begin the chemo Gemstar, (not sure of spelling,) and possibly Herceptin, if the tissue comes back as Her-2 positive. I believe this may have been what Dr. Smith would try next, but she did not hold out much confidence in it. The idea behind the surgery is that whatever malignant cells are remaining can be destroyed by the chemo and radiation, that these “younger” cells may be even more susceptible to treatment. The tumor tissue will be developed in a lab to a thin cell layer of my cancerous tissue. In a fashion similar to culture and sensitivity of bacterial infections, this tissue culture will be exposed to a variety of chemotherapeutic agents. If the cancer cells are inhibited or destroyed on one dish, it doesn’t mean it will work in vivo. However, it does help the oncologist to see which agent produced little or no activity, so we narrow the choices down a bit. This in vitro study of my cancer takes about 3 weeks to complete.

10. Radiation would be a daily thing for 2-3 weeks, Chemo would be weekly for some period of time, and hopefully I can add a few years to my life by going through all of this.

11. As for having to wait for the chemo, if the surgery goes as planned, I will have made an extraordinary difference in my cancer burden, that the wait is miniscule.

12. Dr. Greef is very positive. He knows it can be done. He thinks it is worth the “danger” a surgery like this could entail, that the reward, if it works, could be tremendous. And he is fully competent to do it. The rest is up to me, not to lose courage, depend on God, lining up a support system to keep me strong spiritually and emotionally.

13. He says that he likes to work with people who have my attitude. That’s at least a big step toward success.

At first, Dr. Ketterl did not think it possible to do any “debulking.” After consulting with Dr. Greef, she concurred that it might just work. If he gets in there and finds that resecting the tumors is not possible, at least, they will have lots of choices for biopsy sites! A cure is not really in the picture. However, that doesn’t mean that won’t happen! I believe that certain therapies and chemotherapy protocols are discovered every week. Perhaps I may have a cure or at least a chronic, but treatable disease for a good, long time. Well, I need to go. We may have the surgery as soon as Friday.

Love, Regine

Ya, Ya, Yeah. I'll get a blog up here in a little bit...

2005-05-21T12:13:00.000-05:00

Now it's time for a nap.
See you in a few... (hours? days?)

2005-05-18T05:48:00.000-05:00

Dr. and Mrs. John Peacher graciously invited my family to eat lunch with them one Sunday. Carmen Peacher is and artist and her sons seem to be following suit in their studies. They have been so kind and generous throughout my sickness. Juan Jose, their son is profiled in the foreground. He is an architect.

2005-05-18T05:46:00.000-05:00

4 sisters: Back: Abby and Leslie, front: Lisa and Regine. We are missing Catherine and John (my only brother.)

2005-05-18T05:45:00.000-05:00

These girls, Laura and Kayla are natural country girls!

2005-05-18T05:44:00.000-05:00

Lawrence Ray and Grandma Esther. I thought this photo was simply beautiful.That's Mari's hand holding Rosy the snake in the foreground.

2005-05-18T05:42:00.000-05:00

Mari likes to use Rosy, the Mexican Rosy Boa, as a hair ornament.

2005-05-18T05:41:00.000-05:00

My beautiful friend Roxanne Honstein. She will be moving soon (boo-hoo!) We've known each other since at least 7 ears. She's amazing- and smart!

2005-05-18T05:40:00.000-05:00

Kayla on her dad, Larry's lap, Laura peeks around the corner and her mom, my sister Lisa, listens to her story.

2005-05-18T05:39:00.000-05:00

My nieces, Kayla, Laura and Lawrence RAy Buesing. It's always fun to have them visit!

2005-05-18T05:38:00.000-05:00

A great surprise! Ellen Brumder and her family have been so kind and nurturing to us. They truly exemplify the Catholic family. Ellen is gifted in so many ways- artistically, as a mom, cooking, just about anything!

2005-05-18T05:36:00.000-05:00

My sister Leslie. She has been a gift from God these past weeks. Thank you Pat for letting her help me!

2005-05-18T05:35:00.000-05:00

Melanie and I have been friends a long,long time.

2005-05-18T05:34:00.000-05:00

Wonderful Family! Melanie Henderson and her kids, Aimee, Daniel and Andy. Chris and David are missing. Theseguys are precious to me.

2005-05-18T05:33:00.000-05:00

Aunti Ruth visiting with Mom and Anthony after Mass, I think.

2005-05-18T05:32:00.000-05:00

My handsome cousins, Gary and Anthony Felix. Uncle Manuel and Aunt Dolores are their parents.

2005-05-18T05:31:00.000-05:00

My Mom, sister Abby and Dad at Uncle Manuel's funeral in Arizona.

2005-05-18T05:27:00.000-05:00

Dad and his puppy, Amber. She is so cute. Very hyper. Will make a great dog!

2005-05-18T05:26:00.000-05:00

Friends: Zach, my goddaughters Jocelyn and Jacqueline, and Josefina

2005-05-18T05:25:00.000-05:00

My new hat from Auntie Ruth. (Made by Bouve of Santa Barbara)

More pix (above) and First day at Cancer Treatment Centers of America

2005-05-18T01:27:00.000-05:00

http://www.cancercenter.com/southwestern-hospital/physicians/petra-ketterl.cfm

Here’s my doctor, part of a LARGE team of people who are ready to work with me to fight this cancer. Today I had a crummy day. I took too much Strattera- thinking I hadn’t had taken my meds today. Wow! It totally freaked me out. I jittered, and yet was drowsy at the same time. I couldn’t sit still, but I’d nearly pass out every time I stood up. I was jerking my muscles at various time to “get rid” of all the excess energy and irritable as hell. I felt absolutely like I was going insane! If I have doubts, I’m not taking any at all. It really does help me, though, at the proper dose. I totally ruined the whole day. I couldn’t give the Dr. Ketterl all the information I needed her to know. I could tell she understood, though. She has a good sense of humor. I tried to keep my mind of my extreme anxiety and fidgetyness and she told me to lay of the overdosing of Strattera. She sort of “took over” and we had a shorter appointment, with less of my input because she could see my problem and we had to make SOME sort of plan!

Never again will I take too much of Strattera. I’ve apparently lost 30 pounds in the last month since going off progesterone, and the prescribed dosage might have been too high. It was a terrifying feeling. All I could think about was death, dying, and my children, and Jim all alone. I was missing Josh and Mari terribly. I was at my most miserable EVER, or at least it felt that way. All this pain was because of a stupid error on my part. I came back to the hotel and sobbed as if it were the end of the world. I had no fight left. I even smelled like death, to myself, a sickeningly sweet cloying odor, kind of like a nose full of Flonase. It ruined all food tastes, and I just “knew for sure” I was never going to beat this thing and should just head on home. Thank goodness I’m not too stupid. I told myself over and over, “This is not like you, Regine, you know you are being given an incredible chance to tie in every bit of knowledge there is on beating you cancer, all in one place. DON’T GIVE UP. It’s just your chemically messed up brain talking.” I just repeated this “mantra” along with the Holy Name of Jesus over and over and kicked my legs on and off the covers of the bed, pounded pillows and rocked back and forth until the drug wore off (about 9 pm). And I felt OK! I was so grateful, I started crying. Only then did I call the kids and my sister, Leslie, Mom and Dad. It always makes Mom feel better when I can be strong and “upbeat.” I felt a gazillion times more positive and ready to learn as much as possible about this cancer and the treatments I was going to concentrate on, and hopefully I can focus solely on it so I can come back home healing or even healed. I could stand chemo for the rest of my life, as long as the nausea and pain were controlled well enough. If it were only a month or two out of the year, I could do this. Of course I’m aiming for a “cure,” so I can be around for a long time to come. Dying just can’t happen to me! (Oh, alright, yes it can, but it will be me kicking and screaming the whole way, not because I afraid to die, but because it’s not fair to the kids and Jimmy. This is a totally unfair break they have been given.)

Tomorrow (Wed.), actually today, I will behave MUCH better and hopefully make up for lost time.I am also going to splurge at a salon they have there- waxing annoying facial hair and brows. There are several instructional classes I will need to go to as well. I need to get to bed, though. So good night. I will report on all the things they want me to try ( I can choose any thing, or nothing) and what we decide on. Sweet dreams!

In prayer for all of you, Regine

P.S. It’s important to eat. It makes you feel stronger (if it’s not junk food) and even if you have to force yourself to do it, DO IT! A 30- pound weight loss sounds good, especially since I haven’t been to my goal weight yet, but it also meant I wasn’t getting the nutrition from the food I was refusing to eat. Maybe I just thought I was starving the tumors. I probably have all kinds of deficiencies. I’m going to revamp anything I can, little by little, until I am losing weight without losing common sense. Anorexia is not an excuse. I really didn’t notice I was eating very little, until today. It’s like cats- if they get anorexic for any reason, it only gets worse. They need something to make them hungry again, such as Valium, B-12, progesterone, whatever. Even the act of swallowing some food and keeping it down will get the furnace going, and they can make their way back to normal eating.

So Much to Tell, So Little Time 05-12-2005,Thursday afternoon

2005-05-12T15:08:00.000-05:00

Wow! So much has happened. I can only summarize right now. (I am "dead-dog" tired.) So far I am ineligible for for any drug or other therapeutic model against my cancer. What a sad birthday present! I couldn't comprehend the fact that Clinial trials would not be the means to cure my cancer. At the same time my doctor told me that we have run out of any options that any reasonable chance of success. She offered her assistance in any way she could.

However, I got my "groove back" and looked at other cancer centers, private or publicly funded, some of which treat cancer in a holistic, complementary manner with conventional therapy. I guess I have a lot more freedom of choice now that there is no conventional therapy wth any reasonable chance of success.

The chemo studies may have had a good chance of helping me beat this thing, since the drugs were presumably like their older generaton, but with fewer side effects, more or better absorpton into the cancer cell, etc. The rules are pretty strict in joining a drug study. They would have to be if their research were to have valid results. various things disqualified me: my tumors were the wrong type, or I'd had too much chemotherapy, my cancer too far advanced, or there would be a waitng list through July. I plan to keep my eyes open for anything new in the clinical trial area.

For now, though, I decided to try Cancer Treatment Centers of America in one their locations, Tulsa, OK. Jim and I will leave May 16, go through all the testing for next few days, and fly home, Saturday 5/21. I could possibly stay and commence treatment which could last 2-3 months. I hope they will be able to take me through and over this disease. I will always hav e hope. He did not lay a "punishment" or a "curse" on me with this disease. I've learned more about gifts from God now than at any other time in my life. He has provided gifts of perseverance, strength and empathy in Jim and the kids, He has given the gift of the Word to my sister who immediatly sends it along as a healing prayer for my life. Our Lord is in the prayers of all who offered to pray for me, whatever my needs are. Gifts of faith, generosity, healing, patience, hospitality, inspiration, creativity, and compassion. Sometimes the greatest compassion is simply being there to listen, and to be still, letting God's grace envelope you with joy. He shares His Passion ('passio" strong feeling) with me ("com-" to be with).

One of my mot wonderful gifts has been having my Mom and Dad and sister Leslie to visit and paint my room and master bath! Not to mention the decluttering! My sister-who'd've thought she would be a cleaning genius? My mom has broken her foot,yet she won't sit down and rest it! She is a remarkable role model for her goddaughter (and granddaughter) Mari. Skippy is here and he keeps all of us snuggling him and laughing at his crazy little ways. I have never seen my mom so attached to a dog before. Now my dad has "his very own dog," too. Her name is Amber, and she is a beautiful Golden Retriever pup. He's crazy about her, too. Are these my parents? I just love it!

Love, and peace in Christ, Regine

P.S. I hope you like the new pictures!

2005-05-12T15:01:00.000-05:00

Here's my Mommy! Leslie took this picture. I feel like a royal princess, or Queen of Everything! (Got that, Abby?)

2005-05-12T14:56:00.000-05:00

Mom took this first picture of me wth my family. Back: My dad, John L Chambard,and Josh. Middle: Me (Regine) and Jimmy. Front: Mari and my sister Leslie Coelho.

2005-05-12T14:51:00.000-05:00

Jimmy still thinks I am pretty, even with REALLY short hair! (It makes it easier to put my necklace on, too.)

2005-05-12T14:49:00.000-05:00

I guess he loves me after all. (He's cute.)

2005-05-12T14:34:00.000-05:00

Jimmy presented me with a heart locket necklace. will have to find pix to put inside!

2005-05-12T14:30:00.000-05:00

Home from dinner at Stone Canyon for birthday. I received a new DVD "The Phantom of the Opera" Talk about a tear jerker! Good Movie.

2005-05-12T14:28:00.000-05:00

Mother's Day Dinner at Saltgrass with my family.

2005-05-12T14:27:00.000-05:00

Rosy is very gentle, curious and affectionate.

2005-05-12T14:26:00.000-05:00

Mari and Rosy, Josh's Mexican Rosy Boa, having fun being Mari's hair ornament.

2005-05-01T21:54:00.000-05:00

The Klecka Family minus our Esther. I hope she sees these when she reads my blog. I really think this photo came out well.Thanks to Jim Tome!

2005-05-01T21:52:00.000-05:00

Us "mujeres" in a different pose. Jocelyn (looks like Dora the explorer) is watching Ben our Labrador. She thinks he is going to let her ride him! Jacqueline just loves to ham it up and get photographed.She also likes to watch her padrino. I think Jimmy's beard fascinates her.

2005-05-01T21:48:00.000-05:00

Jim, "el padrino," joined in. Jacqueline is his "aijada" as she is mine. But we behave as if they are BOTH our god-children because we love them so much.Now we finally have a picture with Jim in it!

2005-05-01T21:42:00.000-05:00

I am a Godmother, a "madrina" to these beautiul twins. I've known and cuddled them since they were 2 weeks old. Jocelyn is first, near my right hand, Jacqueline at my left and their beautiful mama, Josefiina behind me.

Moe. Predator. Dangerous predator.

2005-05-01T09:18:00.000-05:00

Moe is a faker. He only WANTS the birds to think he is asleep. And that he is just a cute, adorable little kit-ten. See his beady little eyes? They don't miss a thing!( I wrote about him at the end of the blog below.)

It will be time for yet another nap after this... Sunday Morning- Gorgeous! God must really love His world. (No matter what the weather is like.)

2005-05-01T09:08:00.000-05:00

Read this first:

Read this story first. Then you will know what I’m writing about below.

http://www.priestsforlife.org/euthanasia/terrisfinalhours.htm

I know Father Frank. He blessed our home school, and gave me an interview for our Respect Life newsletter. He is among the bravest and most clear-headed persons I have ever met. Obviously I do not know him well, but I believe that what he has written here deserves your full attention. It’s a keeper. He has said he is praying for Jim and the kids, and for me as well. He may not remember me, but I thank him for his kind response for me. I think Terri and I will have a lot to discuss someday (hopefully FAR, FAR in the future.)

The pro-life movement is not going to go away. The anti-life contingent persists in calling us “anti-abortion’ (no duh!) and “right-wing zealots,” and “hypocrites” (Huh?) and hoping they can financially ruin every last hero and pro-life group so they won’t have to listen to the truth. They keep expecting us to say we’re sorry, pack up and go home! They just don’t get it. As long as I live, I will fight tooth and nail against what Pope John Paul II has appropriately called the “Culture of Death.”

Not only that, I am very hopeful for our kids who come after us, (and yes, we ARE, on average, having bigger families than yours- thanks be to GOD!) for many of them, some polls even say a majority, love babies. They want to stop the killing madness of war, of gang turf wars, of heroin and of ABORTION. After all, they were the ones who didn’t get sucked down a sink before birth and they are not very pleased (in many cases,) to realize it was their brothers or sisters in the incineration bags or as aprt of the effluent of these “clinics.” After our generation has passed on and our children’s generation is getting older and tired, I hope and pray THEIR children will be just as activist, just as civilly disobedient and just as radical as Father Frank Pavone, Norma McCorvey, Joe Scheidler, Sandra Cano, Rex Moses (I had to include him, just for you, M.!), Carole Everett, and Randall Terry, the Chris and Sherri Danzes of the world, and numerous sidewalk counselors spit upon, arrested, beaten, and threatened when exercising their freedom of speech.. They have saved many children. But it will never be enough. It’s hard to beat those slick Madison Avenue ads proclaiming “choice”. (A “choice” to do what? Oops, we can’t talk about that can we?)

I hope the newest generation will defend life from such a reasoned and strong position as again, Father Frank, Fr. Richard John Neuhaus, Fr. Benedict Groeschel, Mother Angelica, Fr. Louis Pavlicek and Fr. Brian McMaster, Fr. Gerard Steckler, and Bishops Fabian Bruskewitz, Rene Gracida, John Cardinal O’Conner, Fulton Sheen, Christoph Schoenborn, Charles Chaput, Jozef Cardinal Ratzinger, (now our Pope Benedict XVI,) and Francis Cardinal Arinze. Among the greatest of these is Pope John Paul II. Gifted lay people such as Dr. Janet Smith, Christopher West, Karl Keating, Pro-Life Physicians Guilds, Pharmacists for Life, Wanda Franz, and Ann Bierschenk and all Diocesan Pro-life Coordinators may put their livelihoods on the line every day because they are choosing to defend life for the pre-born, the disabled and very sick and the elderly. These men and women are the intellectual ones, and very eloquent speakers but more importantly, they speak with Truth in Love. (Ephesians 5) They speak it from the pulpit, from the street, on TV and at bishops’ meetings. (Where it seems the vast majority of our shepherds are too timid to vigorously defend life!) (And I hope the USCCB doesn’t read terminally ill people’s blogs…) They are not afraid of what the parishioners, the Scott Applebys, Richard McBriens, so-called “catholics” for a Free Choice and other well-financed fat-cat CINOs (Catholics in Name Only) or the rest of media, or the “public,” might think. Well, maybe they were a little scared at first, but they preached the truth anyway. They are compassionate servants of the Church and of the whole world. May at least some of our children use their intellects and skills in the service of life! George Felos hasn’t heard the end of these issues!

Then there are the quiet warriors, the shepherding home families, the ones who open pregnancy help centers, shelters and maternity homes, digging very deeply into their family finances to do so, because God has inspired their generosity. I have known at least one family who made sure the mothers at their Maternity Home were fed and cared for while they did without many things you or I would call necessities. The hospice volunteers and the cancer center nurses, the overworked yet caring staff of a nursing home, the Joe Ruizes and other Deacons such Deacons Mike, Chan, Frank and Vern and many other laywomen and men and clergy who visit the hospitals and prisons, the poor in their homes and youth rehab academies. There are the parents who adopt babies, the ones who will foster and love them, the “Angels” who are just there, right at the time a frightened, newly pregnant mom needs a long-term, faithful friend. There are gentle families who nurture virtual strangers in their times of crisis at the end of life, bringing food, inviting them to parish events, opening their arms to that family in great need of comfort. And then there are the youth ministry people. Yeah. I’m not sure they are the quiet warriors, but they are warriors! They are all heart, and a bit of common sense, and too fun. (Not really!You can’t be too fun!) But that’s what reaches the older kids. YM’s are the ones who talk some of them out of doing something stupid like suicide, or running away. How much more life-affirming can you get? All of these people, many with full-time occupations, are working in their peaceful way to preserve dignity in the lives of mothers and their babies, young people, the elderly and disabled being threatened by “euthanasia,” and even guilty (and sometimes NOT) prisoners on Death Row.

Heck, I think the young mothers of these babies (many of us call ”crisis, or problem” pregnancies,) are the most brave and generous of all, because in their fear, frustration and feelings of abandonment, they reached out across the metaphysical divide between “born” and “not yet born,” and took that child’s hand and said, ”I will protect you. My love for you is just enough, little one. I will protect you.”

I honestly think the Pro-Life movement has NOTHING to apologize for. Without question, theirs is the moral high ground. I get so annoyed at the people who hate us and claim we never “do” anything to care for those babies after they are born. (I can testify that it is the exact opposite.) So what? Even if that were true, when is it ever right to MURDER and call it choice?

I’ve had my car rammed, keyed, and various materials thrown on it due to a simple BUMPER STICKER (“Choose Life”), had my face videotaped (“for future reference” in case I do something “really violent” like pray a rosary in front of the abortuary or hand out Gabriel Project cards to their clinic staff again. Whooo. I’m terrified.)

I guess I won’t have the chance to get arrested, but if required, I’d do it. And I’d “sag.” I mean REALLY sag. You who know me know I was huge before weight loss surgery and cancer, and now I am huge again due to retaining all this fluid from the cancer. I can at least put it to good use! (“I’d love to get skinny and all that, but there is a good reason! I’m fat/fluid-filled for the pro-life cause. Just TRY to move me off this curb you call a sidewalk…” Probably wouldn’t work, huh?)

Have a nice day. And hug a pro-lifer. You never know if she won’t be the one fighting to save your life from a judge like Greer or the infamous 9^th Circuit Court of Appeals someday. She might even go to jail for you for bringing you a cool washcloth and a cup of water to ease the hell they call “euthanasia.” She (or he) could probably use a little encouragement or compassion rightabout now.

Oh! I wish you could have a day as lovely as this one here in Georgetown (all the out of towners). Its... sparkling! The birds LOVE it, kinda cool, and breezy. Except when one of our BAD CATS goes up and acts like the predator that he is... (Fly, birdie, fly! Cat get back over here!) Above is a picture of one of them "SLEEPING." Yeah right... 'til the next bird walks by! They think they are such masters of diguise.

Regine

2005-04-30T21:00:00.000-05:00

Well, the end of the day. Here is what I look like in pain. In about 5 minutes, I am going to take a bunch of NSAIDs and get rid of this. I will TRY to follow Sister Mary Consolata's advice to: "Offer it up!" She would say this with a bright smile. I loved her. Must have been 400 years old (kidding- only in her 70's) with a PhD in Chemistry, I was a punky 4th grader. I loved science. SO I listened to her!

2005-04-30T20:54:00.000-05:00

Mari and Laura are so tall! Percherons are very tall horses, often surpassing the Clydesdale. Jewel is very patient to carry two persons. She was trained well. (Mostly by Mari, of course!)

2005-04-30T20:51:00.000-05:00

Wow! Same tableau, different photographer. MAri is a very patient and skilled rider. Kayla is very safe up there, since Jewel is usually an angel, and Mari and Josh "try her out" beforehand jsut to make sure nothing is bothering her for some reason. Josh rides Jewel a lot, especially if Mari wants some company while she works with Shalom, our 5 year old Percheron-Thoroughbred. They both are growing to understand how horses think.That's something significant- a step on the road to compassion for people, I believe.

2005-04-30T20:45:00.000-05:00

Mari and Kayla getting ready to ride beautiful Jewel. Jewel is a Percheron. We love her very much.

2005-04-30T20:44:00.000-05:00

Family Clampetts...uh Kleckas and Buesings! Mari and Kayla are on Jewel, Josh and Laura and Lawrence Ray are infront looking very "Abercrombie" (Yuch. Boycott A & F. They promote a heinous lifestyle for teens to acquire, and are anti-life/pro-abort funders. Nasty. And their clothes aren't THAT cute. But God didn't say it would be easy to be pro-life!) Great looking kids here, though.

2005-04-30T20:39:00.000-05:00

Josh is working out a demonstration experiment in static electricity, and charges of various materials. Easy concept, but it takes FOLLOW THROUGH, especially if things are being affected too much by humidity!I appreciate it when he may not reach the correct findings, but understands why, figuring it out on his own.

2005-04-30T20:36:00.000-05:00

Ah! Now that's what I like to see. Josh honestly doing his work on the computer. He is trying so hard, and it's tough what we are doing right now. I just thought he might like this photo. It's precious to me, anyway.

2005-04-30T20:34:00.000-05:00

These Angels of Mercy (can you tell I'm Catholic?) have made taking chemo something I actually look forward to. Even on their toughest days, they respond kindly and patiently to us. And we can be a whiny bunch! I truly hope they will be rewarded greatly in heaven for the good they do by simply showing up and caring. Very professionally, I might add! They are Laura, Kim and Jennifer. They are so beautiful, even though they didn't really want me to take this picture at the end of a VERY long day!

2005-04-30T20:30:00.000-05:00

Oh, no! My not just my legs are swollen up! My face! : ( "...See, young grasshopper, where vanity will lead you...") Lisa, my little sister, came to visit me today. It was sunny and cool and beautiful!

Ouch. Pain... 04.30.2005

2005-04-30T20:07:00.000-05:00

I had a wonderful visit with my sister, Lisa, and her family today. I was somewhat tired and took a nap somewhere in there, but no one minded. Yhe kids rode horses and bikes, and played. They all got along pretty well.
I'll post some pictures, (which you will probably see before reading this) since Lisa and I had fun trading photos taken over the day from our cameras. Now I wish I could get (cheap) digital cameras for Mari and Josh to use. I'd really like to see how they view the world, and it would be fun to manipulate images and make e-cards, and desktop images. I say cameras of their own because I get a little touchy about loaning my camera out, and fearing it will be broken. ("Once bitten...) I bought a cheapy Concord, but still...it's the best I could afford!

The pain meds may just be starting to kick in. At 4:30 pm, they were staarting to wear off, and I wasn't due for the 2nd BID dose until 8:00 pm. I guess I've got to go up some more. I am not sure how my liver does it. How can it metabolize things so rapidly, yet be made up of mostly tumor, and presumably just on this side of liver failure? An amazing organ. I won't ever underestimate it again!

Well, some of my medical records have been sent to clinical trials, so I hope we have some good news by Monday. I worry a little about waiting so long between chemotherapy. I am retainig a tremendous amount of fluid. Trying to keep feet either raised or moving is difficult. And I can't do it 24/7, so I have fat feet and legs, especially on the right side, and swelling left wrist and forearm.

Well, not too much to write except that in spite of my grouchiness today, I hope everyone had a good time. I did after all!
God bless,
Regine

Hi and Good morning!

2005-04-29T04:02:00.000-05:00

I am so sorry I have been less than available to you (and other friends also) the past few weeks/months. My physical state is really struggling to rebalance. I mean that literally. I am having a horrifically difficult time getting my anemia under control, in spite of extra FeoSol, B-vitamins, sublingual and as a new (nasty) liquid formulation. The main reason is I am losing more blood than I can make up every day. And there is absolutely nothing that can help except to stop bleeding! Aranesp can only help so far. Some of this problem is aggravated by the post- gastric bypass changes in my digestive tract. I remember Dr. Rodriguez telling us we needed to not drink solely water, that and ½ strength Gatorade and water were important. Of course, I happened to be drinking about a gallon of water every day minimum, which flushed out some important electrolytes! The wonderful ladies of cancer care, with the instructions from my wonderful Gyn-Onc, Dr. Smith, got me straightened out enough to start anew the next day.

The pain is waking me up at middle of the night, so I do this, blog stuff, and other things until meds kick back in.

The nausea is barely under control 24/7, Pharmacy beauracracy has me battling constantly to get the medications I need to live comfortably!

I often feel as if I have no advocate here atb home who will take some of this highly stressful yet necessary paper work and stuff off my to-do list. I had hoped for Jim to be an advocate who would see things from my point of view and knows (or will find out) exactly how to get through some of this. It's just as unfamiliar and new to me as it is to him! It isthe minimum of what I would do for Jim if he were the one with cancer. He has not yet "stepped up to the plate" for me though.I am very lucky he has the job and the family health benefits which enable me to be home with my children, and to take on a greater role in their training. It’s understandable- depression really incapacitates you. It makes you draw inward and incapable of doing much- but it is NOT helpful! I can't do this solo!

I feel abandoned sometimes, especially when it’s urgent, like all the hassle I’ve had getting my meds. Yes, I feel neglected, and yet I feel as if I am supposed to be running the household, trying to have a family meal time each night-together getting all the educational stuff for the kids’ schooling, doing the shopping and staying within a strict budget (It’s not so bad- kind of like a game but important in real life!) and remember to refill prescritions, Dr. visits, study, plan lessons, drive the kids everywhere (I need their help.)

That’s not good. Neither of us has the luxury of going into “tri-state”, paralyzed by a (deliberate?) ignorance of what needs to be done. There IS no more time left to be spoon-fed instructions in life management! It is not right to make the seriously weak/frail/ill partner (me) fight all her own battles in the war for life. I have felt unprotected many times in my married life, but never so much as now, when I feel like I am left to fend for myself. I am sorry, but depression is no excuse. And this time it was depression that was deliberately caused by not taking the meds. I am so glad Jim is going back on them. It will help him SO much! (If it doesn’t, then he will need to fight for life, to get a different solution or try therapy.) Maybe growing up will be part of this? I’ve been told the vast majority of therapeutic work is done to help the patient do what is necessary to leave inmmaturity behind... in other words, to grow up and take responsibility. What I can’t physically give is the time and energy he will want from me while taking care of this. I am so very sad that I will have spent most of my life suffering our depressive disease, in caregiving to you and to the children with almost no assistance or encouragement.

The final “straw” is my potassium and electrolyte imbalances. I was literally delirious, passing out at my desk, or bed, and could not be depended upon to drive anywhere- even I know when it is unsafe. I have swelling, yet my sodium is low. I get dizzy a lot, but thepotassium-spiked fluids they gave me at the Georgetown Cancer Center brought at least part of it back into balance. It made a world of difference! I am going to dig out my Bariatric surgery post-op nutrition notes and STUDY THEM so I can get back on track and get the body back in balance. I will need to get sources of very high quality protein, and other foods.

Today I felt much better. But I’m always going to be at risk if I don’t “follow the plan” including sleep and planned rest and quiet times where I don’t see anyone. I have this co-dependant streak that leads me to think when anyone is visiting, that I must be a hostess, even my close friends are getting worried that I don’t WANT to spend time with them. That is not true.

I presume the news about my options (none except clinical trials, mostly Phase 1) and the utter sorrow and lack of comprehension about what they can do or say to me about it all, isn’t helping the situation! But I’ve looked carefully at the conundrum here and decided I really do need a rest! I need “my space,” and time to work on the clinical trial stuff I would like to participate in, to keep working on our financial plan, or cash budgeting system, and to supervise the lessons left in this year for Mari and Josh. We need to eat meals together as a family, at the table, no harsh criticism, sarcasm, unenforceable threats, put-downs or bossy lists of things to accomplish. We need the father to keep true to his vocation: to read Scripture and teach about God’s plan for His children.

I know we can do this with the right tools and motivation and fewer distractions. I need to help them see the need I have to recharge, be quiet and still as much as possible, to write our thoughts and ideas down so we don’t forget. I am so proud of Josh AND Mari for struggling along with me to break each project into smaller, more attainable goals. Then we implement them like habits, knowing it takes about 21-28 days to get more “automatic” at this. They know the blog I write is not just for everyone I am trying to keep up to date, but for ME: it helps me to notice if I am staying on track or if I am getting sidetracked. This process is working quite well, but it often means I am not as available as perhaps many would like. I can only say I’m sorry. I am doing the best that I can with the resources I have. I still love spending time with buddies and all that, but I am TIRED! I have virtually nothing left at the end of the day. Cancer is a cruel taskmaster.

One last thought tonight/this morning...

2005-04-26T02:42:00.000-05:00

OK, so my blog was longer than I thought.. I was thinking, what if hardly anyone reads these stupid blogs? Is my voice going out into nowhere? God I really hope not.

Now I am making myself cry. Sorry. I want to stay here. I don't want to leave all whom I love, even if I am more able to help them from heaven.

But I guess I will do as the Father wills. It is SO HARD...

OK, folks, short blog tonight. 04.26.2005, 2:05 in the am

2005-04-26T02:04:00.000-05:00

Yep, I'm doing it again. Staying up too late. I gotta hurry and send this before the King (remember: I am the Queen of Everything, Abby) gets all huffy because the light is in his eyes. BLINDING HIM!!! Poor King. No, I've got to stop this "burning the candles at both ends" stuff, don't I? I spent most of today and all of this evening (until now) digging up Cancer trials I might qualifiy for. Some are in really cool (think home-school educational) places such as Bethesda, Maryland; Philadelphia, PA; Wake Forest, NC (I'l bet Dad and Mom will be gunning for that one!); Houston and Temple Texas. Who knows, maybe I'll qualify and find "the cure." We've pretty much run out of ideas down here. I believe Dr. Smith would try anything she legally could if she thinks it has a chance. (She's very adventurous, I'd be willing to bet. I like bold, fearless people. I hope that won't insult her- it's a REAL compliment in my book!)

I got all these protocols together and ready for her to peruse, and to help me decide which one to start with. There is so much paperwork! I have about 6 or seven possibilities, but you never know until they get the medical records and go over them. If they like what they see, ( I feel like I'm doing harmony.com!) then they will email or call one of us back (probably me) and then we get to find out what they expect me (or rather my insurance) to pay for and what they will cover. They do not usually pay their subjects. We mere mortals are supposed to be very grateful for a chance at life. (And honestly, I am.) Also, there's something more "pure" I guess, when I wish to do it for other, more altruistic, reasons. I'd love to contribute to a therapy that could prevent the death of even just ONE woman (even if it's not me) from this hideous disease. Maybe I'd even score some points off my time in Purgatory. (Gotta ask Fr. Bryan about that one. He always has a cool answer that gets a laugh out of me!)

I have planned out my funeral. No, I'm not going all morbid on you, and I really don't care what happens to my body after death (as long as it is respectful of my faith), but I am trying to make it easier on Jimmy and the kids. Less stuff to figure out. I just have to get a mailing/phone list done for people who need to be notified. Hmm- maybe the fastest way would be this blog if ya'll are not reachable. Maybe it could even be embellished... I'll have to reveal my super secret password to Esther (because she is the only one who would be responsible enough to put this in my blog!), or Jim (I won't hold my breath there. Oh-oops! Yes I will. I will be doing the ultimate in breath-holding at that time!), or Sara or Melanie.

By the way, my advance directive has been re-done. Numero Uno is Dr. Sara Leighton Ameringer a good friend for many years, 2. Melanie Henderson, and 3. Nancy Crider, friends always. I felt that this would be best. None of them would intentionally "cave on me," and if any of them must decline, my family: Jim and kids) trust Sara, Nancy and Melanie equally and as much as I do. I am worried that Jimmy will be in shock or too sad. I've had many experiences with him in crises involving me. (Just remember, Jim, I DO LOVE YOU.) It's not because I'm mad at him, or anything petty, because I'm not! I needed to find people who wanted to know specifically what I want in case I am incapacitated, and even more importantly exactly why, and could articulate it if necessary to anyone in the world. Sara, Melanie and Nancy know my strongest core beliefs, and my most intimate thoughts about my faith and about life. They cared enough to ask. They will do as I wish. That's all I can say. Jim will have enough stress... I can at least spare him that part. Jim, Esther, Mari and Josh's input would be sought, and respected. These friends of mine are just a little bit more removed from the situation- I'm not their spouse or their mother. I hope my "Will to Live" Advance Directive never has to be used. It is a difficult thing to do, and an act of great maturity and love. I just can't ask a close family member ( and they are all very close!) to be so clear-headed in this time of grief and letting go.

Well, time to go to bed. Good night. Really. I'm GOING TO SLEE-EE-EE-P now...
Love with all my heart,
Regine

2005-04-23T21:47:00.000-05:00

Josh took this picture of Esther walking along the dam on the San Gabriel River, at (guess where?) San Gabriel Park in Georgetown. I like the serenity of this photo.

2005-04-23T21:44:00.000-05:00

Esther and Josh do the cool thang! I am SO, SO happy Esther was able to come home this weekend. I really needed it. I have been so full of joy that my Mari has been home with us. Josh, my stalwart young knight, is a jewel just waiting to be cut from the rough stone, and polished. I love them all!

2005-04-23T21:41:00.000-05:00

These girls constantly amaze me. They "show their souls" in their eyes, and the love of Christ in their actions. (Most of the time!)

2005-04-23T21:39:00.000-05:00

Mari and Josh on the Square at Red Poppy Fest 2005 in Georgetown, TX

2005-04-23T21:38:00.000-05:00

The Red Poppy Fest brings out the "friendly" in everything and every body! It was a beautiful day!

2005-04-23T21:36:00.000-05:00

Esther and Mari strike a pose in front of our Courthouse Building on the Square in Georgetown.

2005-04-23T21:35:00.000-05:00

All of these pictures were taken this afternoon, Saturday April 23. Georgetown had it's Red Poppy Festival this weekend. I accidently uploaded this photo twice- at least they have new captions! Enjoy!

2005-04-23T21:34:00.000-05:00

I have the snuggliest kids!

2005-04-23T21:33:00.000-05:00

Mommy and Esther during a visit from the Queen of Everything. Esther is great at taking pictures of us and being in the photo at the same time. (What else could you expect from the Queen of Everything?)

2005-04-23T21:31:00.000-05:00

Josh and Esther on a lazy Saturday afternoon.

Saturday Already? Wow. 04.23.2005

2005-04-23T20:03:00.000-05:00

I emailed an article about learning to say,"No" without alienating the group, committee, or club who wants you to volunteer for "just one more thing," I was thinking how it can apply to our overscheduled kids! It's good to teach kids about their boundaries and how to protect them.

Right now I am feeling sad. I so wanted to participate in a clinical trial with a new therapeutic use for Avastin (brand name) and another drug, Serenafib (sp?), separately or in combination. The coordinator called yesterday and told me there was a long waiting list- July or so. When I gave her the history of my cancer, she said it was moving quite aggressively and that it probably would not be a good idea to pin my hopes on this particular study. As we talked some more about my clinical history, she told me I would have been ineligible anyway, as I have a chronic drainage of peritoneal fluid. She said she would pass along my information to another research team doing a different Phase 1 study. I was hoping that the drug used in this trial would "be the one." Even though it is highly unlikely there is a cure, I just want to help someone eventually fight this thing and win due to what was learned during the study. Also, if it even just kept the tumors where they are, (with no progression or metastases to other regions of my body,) I would be glad for the extra time it would give me. If it failed again, at least the study was not in vain!

This clinical study would have been at the National Institutes of Health (NIH)/ National Cancer Institute (NCI) in Bethesda, Maryland! It would have been an interesting and even fun experience at times- especially if Mari and Josh came with me and if my stamina held out. Washington DC is not far, and all those "free" National Museums, a chance to meet our Senators and Congressman, and maybe even the White House and Congress inaction (yes, I did that on purpose! Just a punny joke...) I could even visit Everett and Tina (a fellow cancer survivor), some long-time friends in Mechanicsville, MD.

After I got this news yesterday, I was edgy, nervous and I seemed to be overly pain- sensitive. I know my attitude can affect things like nausea, headaches, body pain, and my ability to relax and think clearly and rationally. But being "rational" didn't seem so easy when I felt like I had another chance, and it was taken from me out of reach.

I don't know what Dr. Smith will try. The Doxil was sort of the last of the useable options for recurrent endometrial cancer. As a vet, I was able to infuse a therapy "off-label," for my animal patient, but the owner had to sign a release form absolving the clinic or myself of liability if it failed to cure the patient. I am not sure MD's can do this, and whether or not Aetna would pay for it. (Probably not.)

Well, send me all the cute photos you can- your kids, pets, and family, and funny stories. Keep it decent and clean, please! I could use a few chuckles right about now. In case it matters, I am just copied and pasted an email I wrote today in place of a “new” blog. I am just too tired and uncreative for anything else. But never fear! I will allow myself 2 days and no more of wallowing in self-pity. And today is the 2nd day. How can I fight this thing if I allow depression, lethargy and discouragement to creep in? How can I prepare for the future, the REAL future, if I won't see the Light?

Well that's all for now. I am looking forward to another marvelous meal from Davoud and Afsun Safari. Virtually every Saturday these wonderful friends have been bringing a new, tasty and beautiful dish of middle Eastern/ Iranian cuisine. They should start a business. They're that good!

Much love and keep praying for me for whichever intention you think I need most.
Perhaps pray for:
Courage,
A merry spirit,
Patience with everyone,
Trust in the Almighty One,
For enough energy to finish the lesson planning and booklists for the high school years ahead .
Most especially, I hope you can pray for Jimmy, Esther, Mari and Josh to be patient, open and generous with one another, and to get help when they need it.
My complete and total openness to God's Plan for me,
To grow stronger than ever in my faith,
To have joy,
and to cherish all the beautiful moments I have been given from the PAST, in the NOW, and looking ahead to the Greatest Trip of all- the Celestial future. It's SO worth it!

I continue praying for all of you, and I love you,
Regine

I recommend www.thecommitmentchronicles.com website and Cheryl's insights into relationships. If you want the latest e-newsletter on learning how to say "No" to things that may be good, but are distracting from one's true vocation.

04.20.2005- Wednesday After the Dr. visit

2005-04-20T22:25:00.001-05:00

Well, the C-T scan report said that none of the tumors had resolved, and they were all larger. One of the pelvic metastases has made inroads into my bladder wall.

I handed Dr. Smith a pile of possible clinical trials I might be eligible for, and she will back me all the way. She talked with the National Cancer Institute in Bethesda, MD and they will conduct a phone interview with me by Monday afternoon. They often pay transportation cost as well as room and board throughout the trial period. I could be there several months, if I qualify.

I am excited about a chance at a new drug that seems to hold promise in other solid tumors, such as colon cancer. I also don't want my life or this suffering, such as it is, to be all for nothing. At least some knowledge may be gained from my case. I will keep you posted. Keep praying!

04.20.2005- Wednesday After the Dr. visit

2005-04-20T22:25:00.000-05:00

Tuesday evening 04.19.2005

2005-04-19T20:47:00.000-05:00

Just rockin' along. Have a new doctor appointment, will be going tomorrow instead of Thursday. We will find out if the Doxil working. More later.

Another Late Night, Another betrayal. Revised...

2005-04-19T01:51:00.000-05:00

There is not much to write about, today. I had a C-T scan done to determine if the chemo is working or if we need to go to "Plan C." I've learned some really painful, harsh, but enlightening news today. The source of so much anguish in my life (and in Mari's and Josh's as well, ) wasn't our fault at all. I had been racking my brain trying to figure out what we kept doing wrong, why we felt so nervous all the time, why we could not relax at home, why the three of us could not sleep at night. I discovered why, and I am pissed. Jim has decided not to take his antidepressants, the thing that made him bearable and quite possibly kept us from a breakup. He was great, doing some of the "Dad" things we always wanted him to do. He was more than occasionally looking to serve, rather than be served. He was enjoying the kids more. One of the kids said "He finally stopped treating me like a bad person." Then, almost suddenly, it stopped. About the time of my cancer diagnosis is when I noticed it, and I just figured he wasn't coping too well with the news.

I want to make it clear, for everyone who gives a damn about Mari and Josh, that under no circumstances is it my wish for them to live with (unmedicated) Jim after I am gone. I am tired of feeling guilty, sad, worried, protective and sorry for "all he has to go through," due to the "agony" of watching me deal with cancer. Boy was I stupid! Three times this week alone he's informed me that I am "not worth it. " (I'm not sure what, but anyway..) Maybe he is suffering, too. I can understand that. But why am I not worth whatever side effects come with the medication that lets him be kinder, more supportive, able to cope with work stress and not dump it all on me and Mari and Josh? At least do it for them!

I feel betrayed, and sick. I will probably regret what I've posted here and revise it.
(Yep. This is revised 4-19-2005)

I am still on my meds (and their stupid side effects) because I know that I am much easier to live with when I am not depressed. I am doing it for my kids. I am doing it for Jim. I am doing it for the ones I love. People who go off their meds because of some stigma, or it makes them "feel funny" aren't doing anyone any favors. They are HELL to deal with, rude, self-centered, and can be highly critical. They should listen to the people around them who have to put up with their crap, and should continue to try to find an appropriate solution to their problem.

The reason I am "broadcasting" some of this (there is a lot more) in the blog is so that there may be at least a little oversight and awareness for Mari and Josh when or if I am gone. if anyone thinks I am exaggerating, all they have to do is ask Esther, Mari or Josh. I know the odds they will be able to live away from Jim are slim to none, and I just hope friends will be there for them if Mari and Josh need to talk to someone, to be supportive of them in their studies and projects and interests. Any time I try to get help, his family (and even mine) do not believe me.

I am praying. And planning as well as I can.
Regine

Another road trip while I still have some energy to go. 04.10.2005

2005-04-11T00:03:00.000-05:00

Today is Sunday, April 10, 2005, almost Monday… I left late Friday night to go to Missouri to see my friend (and Josh’s godmother) while I still can. I drive better at night, there’s less traffic, and I enoy the time to listen to our Catholic tapes we bring on road trips to keep learning about our faith. Today, the nine-day mourning for Pope John Paul II is over, he has been laid to rest near St. Peter, in the Basilica crypt. I believe he will one day soon be named a saint. Anyone with a heart open to God’s all-powerful and all-gentle love, would be influenced by this holy man.

Alby and I reminisced about Our Holy Father and other things today. There was so much to talk about! Her kid are grown, going to college and/ or working, and we talked about things concerning my cancer, any fears I might have about dying from it, and family situations in our lives and how we handled them. This has been a fun visit- I wish she lived nearer.

Today at Mass, I loved the Gospel, of the two disciples on the road to Emmaus. The signs that Christ is among us are everywhere, and we need to trust in His Word regarding the Eucharist, the breaking of the Bread, the necessity of Jesus’ death on a cross, and most importantly, His resurrection.

Other than Mass, we haven’t been doing much. I did some sleeping, resting, talking, etc. Larry and Jimmy worked together for a long time, and that is when Alby and I became friends. Over the years, we have been through a lot together. I am always learning something from her. Josh is pretty lucky to have them as Godparents.

I wasn’t sure I would be able to make it up here, but it was actually pretty easy. I had good directions, and Josh graciously listened to the tapes, and we talked about a lot of random stuff on the way up. I think that was the best part about driving: talking with my ver sweet kid. We will leave early Wednesday morning (one can always hope!) because I have some “doctor stuff” to do in Georgetown on Thursday. I imagine I’ll be pretty tired, but it is worth it! Josh is a tremendous help.

Well not much to report otherwise. This feels like a real break, in a way. But Josh, don’t get too comfortable. We need to do some school tomorrow!

Regine

2005-04-08T10:16:00.000-05:00

WOke up and decided to mess around with the webcam. It's my temporary digital camera as well. I have Hair! Brows! Long eyelashes! Be good, and remember to thank God for this day!

Friday April 8, 2005. Morning

2005-04-08T09:49:00.000-05:00

Well, Josh is not awake yet. So I thought I'd write a few lines. I willupload a new photo to the blog in a minue or so, and you will see the latest "look." I am amzed that my hair grew back. Iwish I was a strong as I look...(incredible how much healthier we feel when we look good. Brows- I never realized before now, how important they can be to looking "normal."

Well, I am abot to do another hypomanic thing- at least if I were diagnosed as bipolar, I would think it was a little bit nutty. Oh well, I am born nutty. At least God thinks I'm funny! After I get done playing around on this little toy webcam/digital camera/ video devise, I will put the bags in the car and go visit my friend Albie. She lives 10 hours from here, and though I will be a bit tired, I think, with Josh's company, we can make it there pretty easily. Mari is staying so she can help at the R.O.C.K. the Rode on VEnter for Kids, an equine therapeutic riding center inGeorgetown. We have great volunteer coordinators and the one who really "gets it" about why we are here and nurtures all of us into WANTING to e there. I don't get to elp much- my balance is a bit shaky, and I am very week- not a good combination with horses. ut I love Rok. It's fun to atch the threapists work with the children (and their parents) in strengthenongplaccid limbs, or training in relaxation to release spasticity in an arm or in legs. The natural motion (and sensitivites) of the horse are the real therapists. They sometims develop a sweet rapport with the student, and it truly becomes a teamwork type of situation. Over the months I saw when we were helping last year, I watched some clients evolve from not really open to new scary things, maybe sort of feeling like they are lost here, or "don't belong," to becoming very close to "their" horse that they rode. Although it doesn't always work out, the coach/therapist tries to find the most compatible horse for that child.Very cool. R.O.C.K. is ALWAYS in need of volunteers from the horse handlers, sidewalkers and "floaters," to office help. Call 512-930-ROCK.It's truly the best volunteer experience Mari and I and even Josh have ever had.

I hope your day is as beautiful as ours! Be back next Wednesday!

Absurdly Early in the Morning on April 5, 2005

2005-04-05T07:10:00.000-05:00

Yikes! Don't peek at the posting time! I have totally messed up my sleep cycle. I'll bet I am the world's only woman who can manage to suffer from jet lag without even leaving my bedroom!

Oh well! It was all for a good (human rights) cause. Yesterday was a not so productive day, at least until the late afternoon arrived. I got some postage to mail stuff to Esther, and Josh and Mari really put some muscle behind their school work.

I am seriously impressed with Mari's writing talent. She has the most incredible and imaginitive view on the world. I LOVE it! Great sense of humor, too. Josh ahs shown a great amount of growing up lately. It's in fits and starts, but I can see that he is taking more and more initiative to do what needs to be done, as he decides is best. What is comforting is that OCCASIONALLY what he deems important enough to work on, correlate with MY ideas on what's important. Any mom of teenagers can tell how gratifyng that can feel! He is beginning to use his imagination purposefully, and effectivel. He is valiantly fighting his distractabilityand has proposed some possible solutions. He has even looked at his diet to see if it might be making it harder to lern. That's 'way cool. That's one of the primary goals on home schooling for me. (The most important one is developing the relationship they have with God.)

Josh, Mari and JIm have been reallygoing to town on the garden. They installed roof guttering yesterday and set up the 1500 gallon rainwater collection tank underneath it so we can catch all the run-off from our metal roof. The water will be much softer and healthier for our pesticide free (mostly) organic garden. I just sit out there and watch them, amazed at their cleverness.

Later in the evening, Josh and I went to a memorial time at St. Helen's for Pope John Paul THE GREAT. (C'mon people, you know it's true!) We came in a bit late, as they were showing a videotape of the highlights of this great and compassionate man. Then the people who were there were invited to reflect, one by one, their memories of Pope John Paul II. Some of the stories were poignant, some were funny and all showed the deep affection we have for our Holy Father. I stood up (I didn't need a microphone-HA!) and realted the story of how, little by little, as I read his writings and signal graces appeared n my life at critical times, I fell in love with this man and his Church. He reached me with his intellect. He touched me through his heart. He became a tangible Alter Christus for me. I was a quiet, go-through-the-motions type of Catholic. At the time of his election as Pope, I despised almost everything he stood for. There were PROTESTANTS who liked him better than I did. But I never really discussed it. I was a youth group groupie, went for the fun, and never learned anything except "God loves you. Now let's paint some t-shirts and drive to the next youth event!"

I believe I was one of the most sinister sorts of rebels. One of the "quiet" ones. I firmly espoused the entire feminist party line:
I am woman see me roar;
I'm too smart to be ignored.
Ya'll homemakers sold us out,
I wanna CAREER with much more clout."

My mantra. My poor mom! I must have been so annoying!Of course outside of my home, I wasn't very vocal about it. But it is possible (and this is scary) that all my adorable little second grade First Communion students I taught at the college home parish could have been contaminated by my nonsense. I pray fervently they forgot any of the "warm-fuzzy God" crap I probably taught them. I remember geting very little out of CCD as a child. Especially in middle- and high-school Actually I had great catechesis early on- through 4th grade. Strict but kind nuns. Then we moved to TEXAS. And we went to public school and subsequently weekly CCD. What a disaster! But I digress...

In spite of all my advanced high school biology courses, and then pre-med/pre-vet education, I had somehow missed the lesson on the humanity of the child before his or her birth. From the moment of conception.The "glob of cells" will always be, will never turninto anything but the human person that he is. That is an undisputable scientific fact. Yet I somehow missed it(refused to see it?), since it didn't fit into my perfect little intellectual concept of the world. Amazing, isn't it? Naturally I fell further and further down the "slippery slope" of ambiton and grew harder and harder in my heart. Then, some things happened during vet school to shake my moral foundations. I believe God used these things (known as "signal graces") to awaken me to the reality of His awesome mercy, power and presence. I was no longer "smarter than God." Really. My arrogance was astounding. Hidden, for the most part, but there in spades!

I was privileged to share the short version at the church tonight (you don't expect me to reveal all my dirty secrets, do you?) and felt an unusual sense of the supernatural, as if the Communion of Saints, including this remarkable man of God, was quietly cheering me on. With sweat dripping, and my voice quavering as it often does when I speak to a group of people, I finished up and collapsd back in my seat. It felt wonderful to testify to goodness, truth and beauty as Pope John Paul II showed me, bit by bit over the last 20 years. (I'm a slow, stubborn learner.)

The greatest signal grace of all was when God preserved my life through the conception of our first child, now 19 years old, our daughter Esther. Thankfully, I had read and been somewhat moved by the Holy Father's work on the Theology of the Body and by his uncompromising stand for life. Our two lives could easily have been sacrificed on the altars of feminism, "freedom of choice" and personal autonomy via suicide stemming from my undiagnosed depression. (The Culture of Death calls this the "right to die." The Hemlock Society - now renamed Choices in Dying, I think- promoted a book by its founder Derek Humphrey giving explicit directions on how to kill oneself for any reason one could come up with.)

Josh and I went home after that. On the way to my room, ( was drained after todays' activities) I was walking in to the music room from the kitchen. I tripped over the flooring. We still haven't laid the Saltillo tile in the kitchen. No money and no help, according to the chief financial officer. (Jimmy) I crashed very, very hard. I felt a disturbing "pop" in my abdomen under the tumor/hernia. It is huge now- about football size. I saw it swell even more as I lay there assessing the damage. Nothing broken or dislocated. I would know in an hour or two (or less) if I ruptured anything important in my abdomen (intestines, spleen, liver, whatever normal tissue is left in there.) Everything's cool, I think. At the worst, I may have opened up the hole in the abdominal musculature a little more. No sit-ups for me! Honestly, I hurt like hell EVERYWHERE on my body. Muscle aches and bruises, mainly. Man, I really didn't need this!

So, please pray for me about this latest adventure.You'd think I'd learn to walk by now. Heck, I'm almost 45 years old! (May 10 in case you want to send me lots of presents...) (Just Kidding ya'll.) (About the presents.)

I also have this sneaking suspicion that the Doxil is not working as I wished. It certainly is a lot more bearable than the carboplatin and paclitaxel, though! People are amazed at how much better I look and feel. (I am pretty amazed, too, actually.) I will have aother C-T scan on the morning of April 18 at Georgetown Hospital, and my next appointment with the intrepid Dr. Smith a few days later on April21st. She is truly "da bomb." I really want Esther to meet her and Jetanna. They cn make me laugh myself silly. It's one of lifes little thrills to go to my cancer doctor appointment. Go figure. You wana know another one of my little thrills? Getting CHEMO at te Georgetown office of the Southwest Regional CAncer Center. No really. It's a gas. These nurses and Dr. Fain and the volunteers are so warm, and friendly and kind, I wonder if they've been sniffing something. (Not really. They are among the most knowledgeable and competent nurses I have ever known in my life.) They help keep me positive and hopeful, even if we seem to be running out of options. I am also interested in a clinical trial, especially if it looks like nothing else will work. Why waste a chance to help increase our knowledge of this kind of cancer and possibly save another woman's life? Besides, the doctors and nurses at the clinic like me. I guess I cute. Or else I provide comic relief. Maybe I should write a book.

Oh, speaking of books, my dear little mommy sent me a book, new in paperback, called The Anatomy of Hope: How People Prevail in the Fae of Illness. Good reading. My mom's so cute. She reads this blurb in the local paper, finds out that this book is out, and the runs to Borders in RAleight to buy it for me. She then proceeds to MAIL it to me, and THEN decides she's like a copy to read for herself! Of course she mailed all her news clippings along with the book and can't remember the title. So now she had to wait until I got this illustrious tome to find out what the title was! Ha-ha! I can SEE her trying to ask the nice young kid at the bookstore to help her find this book. I'l bet he had a laugh, too. Thank you so much, mom! Now you have the title (wasn't I nice to put it in this blog?) and can get your own copy!

Well, it's time for bed... 7:06 Central Time. Bad, bad Regine!

Don't let the a---h---s (ie, jerks, mean people) bring you down.
Love, Regine

Monday, April 4. The day after Divine Mercy Sunday

2005-04-05T05:11:00.000-05:00

Here it comes! Another political soapbox! I am really proud of this letter to President Bush. I spent a great amount of time writing similar letters to my Senators and Congressman (all night, so I could get them just right!) Poor Jim had to tolerate mylamp. As you can probably tell, I like our President a lot. He's not always right, but I give him "snaps" for trying.
If you hate my political leanings, I wouldn't be offende if you wanted to skip to the next post where I will update on my cancer and really cool stuff that has happened since yesterday!
Here goes:

April 5, 2005

Mr. George W. Bush

The President of the United States

1600 Pennsylvania Avenue

Washington, DC 20500

Dear Mr. President:

Teresa Marie Schindler has died. Within 36 hours my beloved Pope John Paul II passed on to his greater reward. I feel as if I have lost a father, but my soul rejoices because we have certainly gained a saint. I am honored and grateful that you and our First Lady are making the effort to attend his funeral Friday. I believe Ms. Schindler (no longer married to Mr. Schiavo) lived out her purgatory in her unimaginable suffering on earth. I don’t believe that her example, her parents’ perseverance and faith, and the Holy Father’s own suffering were at all a waste.

I was so angry and frustrated last week when I emailed one of my infamous “salvos” to you, to my Senators, to my Congressman and to others. I couldn’t understand why it costs so much for politicians to do the right thing. It is still a mystery to me. But there may have been things going on behind the scenes that I knew nothing about. I trusted you when I helped elect you to office, and I should probably trust you now. I appreciate the hard work you did in supporting legislation for a legal reprieve for the Schindlers. It showed a lot of character for you, the President of the United States (on a well-deserved break!) to fly up to Washington to sign this vital legislation! The coordination of effort on your part (with the House and Senate leaders) led to this landmark accomplishment. It reminded me of when you were our Texas governor, and generated successful bipartisan cooperation in the Texas legislature. I also believe the great President, Ronald Reagan would be proud of you. It was remarkable! Thank you and thank God for your courageous stand for life. Terri’s predicament must have weighed heavily on your heart and you risked a great deal for this. I hope you will be rewarded in eternity for this.

Now that I’ve simmered down, (yet I believe I did the right thing in speaking out for Terri’s life in that email, 03-24-2005) I want to apologize for making such a hasty criticism of you all in my anguish and frustration. I now appreciate this was an really tough place to be at that time. I will never understand the agony all of this must have cost you; to see all your efforts in helping Terri Schindler come to nil. In my disappointment I lashed out at the wrong people! You were in the middle of the emotional, passionate and difficult debate on the life of a disabled woman in the state of Florida, and I was sad you didn’t make happen what we all wanted. One thing I have learned was, that everything you and Congress and your brother, The Hon. Mr. Jeb Bush (God bless him!) had done was NOT A WASTE!

We now “know the enemy” and he may be us. (-Pogo) I believe, as many good people do, that we are not dealing with “principalities or powers,” that a political solution will be a stopgap at best. But we’ve got to try! We need all the help we can get, from a simple up/down vote on your judicial nominees as allowed in The US Constitution, to using your bully-pulpit in the interest of life FIRST, then liberty and rightful property. Be assured that you, the First Lady, Senator Hutchison, Senator Cornyn, Congressman Carter and Senator Frist will be my prayers regularly from here on out. Be not afraid! (-Pope John Paul II) Be of great courage!

My “ICBM missile launch” (email of March 24, 2005- My husband gave it the name because he says I can be extremely scathing!) was not my “last gasp” in defense of the powerless and for the right to life!

I believe that the left-leaning judiciary is scared; that they are looking out for their own hides. They are truly anxious to retain their assumed trappings of power, including that over life and death. We must be as canny and creative as dolphins swimming among sharks and out-maneuver them at every turn until honest, strict constructionists preside in our courts at every level. I will work until my dying day (though I hate politics in general) to voice my opinion on life issues. These also include peace and justice issues, but life FIRST. After all, what good is it to have “rights” if there is no guarantee of the protection of the right to life?

As I mentioned (in my email of 03.24.2005,) I have terminal cancer. I am not expected to live very long. I take this assassination of Terri Schiavo VERY personally. People like me might be next unless this nation STANDS UP for what is right. If by some miracle I live out a normal life span, I promise you this:

I have a long memory. My family and my faith community WILL REMEMBER. They will remember in 2 years, in 4 years in 12 years or more what the judiciary, and their socialist cronies have done. I will spend the rest of what life I have left fighting such wickedness. I not alone in this. This malevolent assault on human life, perpetrated by those who hate truth, goodness, and the beauty of life WILL BE REMEMBERED. This may not matter to tenured fat-cat, black robed tyrants such as these judges, but slowly and surely they will leave by attrition. We are short on time however. Please, Mr. President, encourage the good doctor, Senator Bill Frist to “nuke ‘em till they glow!” Encourage him to go ahead and use the so-called “nuclear option” to quit the wasteful filibustering in the Senate. This should have, and could have been done last year, but it’s still not too late. Now is the time, and it is an awesome opportunity. I am hoping everyone in my parish and neighborhood will pass this message along within the next week.

Some things I want you (and more specifically my Senators and Congressman) to recognize are:

1. There are no rights possible once the right to life is ignored.

2. Why worry about a balanced budget if our government is incapable of protecting our rights life, liberty and property? What the IRS takes out of my family’s earnings (in taxes) every year would be hideously squandered.

3. On the reform of “entitlement” programs, I worry that my government may be tempted to make Social Security, Medicaid and Medicare, Welfare, and other Human Services solvent by denying or reducing service or promoting a "duty to die" to the neediest and the most vulnerable because they are “too expensive.” It wouldn’t be too hard: the unborn, the profoundly mentally disabled and the children don’t usually get a vote. Many of the profoundly physically disabled for all practical purposes are denied that right as well. What an elegant solution- The Final Solution.

4. We need to get out of the United Nations if we can’t effectively reform it. It shouldn’t be that difficult to deny the UN our annual (absurdly expensive) “dues”. It’s time to evict the UN from our borders or for us to get out of the corrupt “Country Club” of Nations. It is an absolute failure. We set a poor example to the rest of the world if the greatest nation on earth can’t even protect its own people from the dangers of health care rationing, euthanasia, unnecessary capital punishment and abortion.

5. The greatest, most generous and tolerant nation in the world, the United States of America, must be courageous! It’s not a time to be “nice.” It is a time to act. We as a nation cannot permit evil without it touching us as well.

This is how I see it:

a. The legislature has a duty to make law, advise and offer support to our executive branch, and in the Senate, confirm (or not) any judicial or other nominations provided for in the U.S. Constitution.

b. I believe the executive branches (president and governors) were recently elected by a mandate on the principles of “faith and values.” Be of good cheer! We don’t have to huddle in fear of “offending” the anti-life contingent. We’ll support you! Presidents (and governors) must enforce the law resulting from the consent of the governed (represented by Congress and State Legislatures.) Why does executive privilege exist? I believe it is for times such as these!!!

c. The judiciary is to strictly interpret law, not create it from the bench!!!!

Thank you for doing your best. My best regards to the First Lady and to your staff.

Sincerely,

Regine M. Chambard, DVM

Wife, Retired Veterinarian, Homeschooling Mom, and Patriot

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How 'bout them apples?
Love, Regine

2005-04-02T14:38:00.000-06:00

Pope John Paul the Great. He wil be able to do more to help his people from heaven, where surely God the Father will be seen by his good and faithful servant, John Paul II in the Beatific Vision. Blessed be the name of the Lord! I feel as if I have lost my spiritual father in a very real way. I sk him to pray for me, and the whole world.

2005-04-02T14:33:00.000-06:00

Pope John Paul II born in wadowice, Poland May 18, 1920 and died in the arms of Jesus,and Mary at 9:37 pm today on the Vigil of the Feast of Divine Mercy, April 2, 2005, in Rome, in his Vatican apartments overlooking his beloved friends in St. Peter's Square. He will most surely be known as Pope John Paul the Great. He will be able to do more to help his people from heaven, where surely God the Father will be seen by his good and faithful servant, John Paul II in the Beatific Vision. Blessed be the name of the Lord! I feel as if I have lost my spiritual father in a very real way. I ask him to pray for me, and the whole world, along with all the Saints to Jesus Christ our Intercessor, for the Divine Mercy to change our hearts. I believe it is no coincidence he has followed an innocent Terri Schindler,for whom he tried to intervene and who went to meet her Creator and Friend on Thursday, March 31. Our Holy Father has been instrumental in my developing and growing in faith over the past 25 years. He drew me back into the truth, the fullness of the Faith Christ left with His apostles. He was my spiritual father, through his writings and teachings and his life. I grieve, yet joy is with me.

Wednesday March 30, 2005 Rambling thoughts: From a gorgeous day to freedom of religion

2005-03-30T12:32:00.000-06:00

What abeautiful day! It's cool, slightly overcast, and enough sun to illuminate all of the green out there in the pasture. It's a good day to do school. Mari and Josh are slightly behind, and I am going to make sure they get caught back up. Jimmy is working from home and has a lot of conference calls going throughout the day.

I was able to talk with my brother, John, yesterday. He will be riding his bike in the MD 150 to raise money for Muscular Dystrophy research and advocacy. I am so proud of him and Trisha, even though she can't do it this year. I hope we can greet him at the finish line here in Austin. He is a kind and generous man. I am proud he is my brother.

Another thing we talked about was sailing. He offered to take me out on an evening sail sometime. The weather (when it's not raining) is nice. I think it is a great idea. I love the water. There is something about the waves slapping against the boat, an evening breeze that is not too brisk, and the darkness that gently covers the water that reminds me of Genesis, when God created the seas and the sky and He found it very good. It's easy to forget how much God loves us sometimes, when the evidence is right in front of us, in the beauty of the sea, the mountains, in the forests and grasslands, and in the volcanos and lakes and rivers of the world. Sometimes we forget that these treasures need to be taken care of, in a sense of good stewardship. I am going to enjoy that evening sail with my brother!

This semester, Mari and Josh need to begin a research paper, different topics. I think I will relate it to something they are learning in the coming weeks- literature or history- so they will be more prepared when we get to it later. And I have to continue to plan out what Mari and Josh will be doing for the next few years to come.

In case you think I might be isolating myself, don't worry. If I don't update as often as I should, please forgive me. I am truly busy, and need a lot of time to get things done. You see, I have to take a lot of rest breaks, and even naps sometimes, in order to function. That leaves very little time for personal things like letters, email, blogs and especially phone calls. We don't have caller ID anymore, and nearly all of the calls are for Jim in his work while he is at home. Maybe that is a blessing in disguise so I don't get distracted from teaching Mari and Josh. That has to remain my priority for some time to come. It makes it so hard to say, "No." to so many good things and spontaneous fun. I still try to do those, but can't participate as easily as before. I get so worn out from the simplest things these days. And sometimes it hurts the feelings of some of my dearest friends who are used to hearing from me more often.

I feel so sad about this. I hope in the grand scheme of things, they know I care very much, I love them and pray often for them. I hope we will all see each other in heaven one day, when time will not even be an issue, and our energy will be limitless as it will be derived in its purity from the Creator. I won't be sick any more, and we will all be beautiful in every sense of the word. And we will still know each other! It may sound tacky, but I really can't wait for this to happen! But Jesus says we know neither the day nor the hour of His coming.

It will be a glorious day as the heavenly Jerusalem is opened, and the Messiah welcomes His children, our Jewish sisters and brothers, sincere children of Abraham, including Muslims who understand a loving Father in God, for Christians, and all people who sincerely desire to know Jesus, even if they have never had the Word given to them in the Way of Love. We Catholics call it "The Baptism of Desire." God, in his mercy may grant eternal life in the Beatific Vision to whomever He chooses. It is said in Psalms that all the nations will go up, go up onto the mountain to Zion. I can't believe God is going to single anyone out, if he or she has a sincere longing for God in His fullness, for eternal destruction. He loves everything He created. He has a special love for humans, though I wonder why, sometimes.

This doesn't let me off the hook. I still need to follow "The Way" Jesus has left me in the holy Catholic Church. I have made a committment to the teachings, whether written in Sacred Scripture or in long-held Tradition directly from the first apostles in an unbroken line to the current Bishop of Rome. My cultural and political views, my choices in career, in education, almost every important decision of my life are weighed against what I know to be true (and am still learning) in faith. It's so important, I dare not do anything expansive or "big" without at least a little prayer!

It's inevitable. Everyone does this whether they are willing to admit it or not. Everyone has a religion. Atheism is a religion. Agnosticism is a religion. Secularism is a religion. Even "Evolution" and "Intelligent Design" are religions, with their own rituals and mantras based on a little bit of science which leaves more unexplained than it reveals. Each person who has a thought in her brain has a "religion."

It is important to recognize and to respect the person who may have different beliefs than mine, since we enjoy freedom of choice and free will to do what is good. It is not the same as the freedom to do anything we like. That is a totally different thing called "License." License never ends in the good of mankind or God's Creation. It is self-serving, and grasping. It is stingy, and holds all things close to itself. It is blind to the injustice and evil in the world. It enables evil to continue. It concerns itself ONLY with what is beneficial to itself, whether or not it curtails the freedom of another.

Happy Easter Wednesday!
Regine

Good Friday, March 25, 2005

2005-03-25T15:47:00.000-06:00

It has been a quiet day. The new pain medicine I started yesterday evening is not working as well as we had hoped. I might have to increase the dose or add a different type of medicine, like an NSAID to it. It 's not the worst pain I've ever felt. It's about serious migraine level, really gets in my way of accomplishing much, but doesn't make me have to lie flat out or anything.

I was so happy yesterday. Father Brian asked me to go up with the presentation of the Oil of Anointing of the Infirm. There were three of us and I did not use the wheelchair! I prayed I would have the strength to make it to the altar and then the presentation, then back to the back of the church to sit with Mari and Jim. And I did it! I was glad they put me in between the other two, just in case I lost my balance, which I nearly did. They helped me. And Jim met me at the back and it was easier to hang onto him as we went to our seats.

It was a beautiful Mass. The most incredible ritual of the Washing of the Feet moved me, no end. Youth from St. Helens represented the community, especially the ones who needed special care and attention. As each young person came up, he or she revealed who they represented: the ill, and dying, the outcast and homeless, the unborn, the mothers, the poor and the refugee and immigrant, the victims of domestic violence. They each held a candle and any parishioner and his /her family or friends were encouraged to come up and light it from a single candle in front of the church, signifying they were in solidarity with that group. Mari went up, lit a candle on her own and stood up for the poor. The candle-bearers' feet were washed. It was beautiful. I like it when the Mass is bilingual. I don't know why, but I love the sound of the Spanish language. I imagine sometimes St. Teresa of Avila in St. Joseph's Convent, reading Scripture to her Carmelite sisters, or St. John of the Cross prayng the Song of Songs in its profound depth as a poem about the soul and its Beloved.

All in all , i felt a much-needed peace of soul, I prayed for Terri, I prayed for her husband Michael"s repentance and conversion before he reaches the end of his life. He doesn't know that what he is doing is an objectively evil sin, most likely mortal. It is murder, as i define it, the intentional, deliberate killing of an innocent human being. But she is not alone! Tens of thousands of people, in the Communion of Saints are interceding for her, praying even for her husband and his attorney, as well as her grieving parents. SHE WILL NEVER BE AS CLOSE TO JESUS IN HIS PASSION ON THIS SIDE OF HEAVEN AS SHE IS RIGHT NOW. When she dies, it will be directly into the arms of Jesus and Mary whom she loved so much. Her death may be tragic in one sense, but evil wil not prevail.

Terri's death will probably galvanize the "Radical Religious Right" in their fight against the excesses of our judiciary at all levels. They will be more determined than ever that an elite oligarchy of justices will never again use their power to push an immoral, even evil, agenda on a land of people who overwhelmingly value the gift of Life. I hope they succeed, even if it doesn't look pretty. They have been too honorable, too polite for too long. They have been too cautious and unwilling to defy the powerful, media-driven maniacal Left. Maybe it seemed rude. Well then, let's be rude, if that is what it takes. The other side hasn't ever had a problem with using rudeness, vulgarity, half-truths and sometimes violence has it? I don't enjoy confrontation, but I like a totalitarian socialistic nation ruled by an elite "anointed" who are answerable to no one even less! Bring it on!

I am still quite incensed, as you can probably tell, about the case of Terri Schiavo and "vented" yesterday to that effect. After reading all sides of this single case, and not being a lawyer, I STILL don’t get it. What is the executive branch so afraid of? In everything I have learned about Constitutional law, (as much as any home schooling mom can learn on her own with a high school senior student) there is no justifiable reason to refuse to “rescue” Ms Schiavo, although I suspect anything they tried to do now to reverse this sick murder of an innocent woman would be futile. The nation’s left wing zealots and their toady judges have gleefully decided to make an example of how a wicked minority and an apathetic “moderate” electorate can listen to the facts and spin them, if not outright LIE about them, can run roughshod over the law and the United States Constitution.

This is going to damage the Republican Party base, the “faith and values” electorate that gave them the win in 2004. I don’t know if many of them will have long memories, but If I am still alive in 2006 and 2008, I will remember. I am saddened and disappointed. It is truly enough to make me ignore politics for the foreseeable future. Of course my liberal friends would just love that!

I have two young high school students I WAS going to encourage to become part of the courageous “Generation Joshua.” I wanted them to get a sense of “ownership” in the electoral process, and to do their best to elect lawmakers and law enforcers who would respect the gifts of Life, Liberty and Property that the Creator has bestowed in His Providence. I admit I am less than patient. I see that we as a nation have elected too many RINOs. (Republicans in Name Only.)

Now I am not sure any of the hard work we did last year even mattered. You can call me a “one issue voter” if you want, but if you think about it, any rights we strive to protect and to promote are predicated on the right to life. Why bother to enshrine the concept of freedom, if there is not life to enjoy it? How can we care about the poor and suffering, the refugee and immigrant, legal or not, if we are so ready to deny life to the inconvenient, costly or embarrassing? We have become a merciless, utilitarian nation.

I wrote an email yesterday, desperately trying to reach any of my elected representatives who would listen. I basically “blasted” my way through this very difficult issue, though I see it as pretty simple. If in doubt, we should come down on the side of life! A life where people who love and care and comfort you are with you in your suffering and willing to share their lives with you as an act of love.

I am kind of partial to the “Andrew Jackson” type of response. Basically he once stated to the judiciary: OK, you’ve ruled. Now let’s see you enforce it.” This is the sort of boldness we need. Pandering to the “religious right.” is not the point. It is to stop the relentless erosion of individual rights which paradoxically MUST be protected at all levels of government, even the Federal Government. As I see it, this is the exact reason we have separation of powers so that every American can have an opportunity to be certain all evidence is presented, and the truth ascertained, and the innocent protected from a judicial lynch mob. If it sounds like I am advocating rebellion, maybe you are right. But if we don’t speak up now, mere rebellion will become chaos, an out of control civil war between sides who each believe they take the moral high ground. You know which side I’ll be on.

We have gradually allowed the insidious growth of a national cancer in government. First it is the strong role we allow the federal government control of our education, health and economic lives. Then we give unprecedented power to one branch, the judiciary, which no longer strictly interprets law, but which often tries to pervert it into new law manufactured to its own desires. We are giving up a frightening amount of power to the judicial branches of state and federal government, with no end in sight. They “interpret” what was never even intended by the law and the US Constitution. They find “penumbras” that in one swift stroke of the gavel deny life to 1.4 million children through abortion every year in the United States alone. That holocaust was never so horrendous before 1973. Now, as predicted by Pope Paul VI in the 1960’s, we look the other way as the serpent of death coils around our elderly and infirm, and mentally and physically disabled. It’s called by many names: “Right to Choice in Dying”, “Death With Dignity”, “Physician-Assisted Suicide.” Euthanasia has as slick an advertising scheme as the pro-death abortion lobby. It’s not just for fetuses any more. No we can “abort” the lives of those we deem unfit or inconvenient, or who we feel does not enjoy a “quality of life” that we would like. Such cowardice! The Nazis would be proud of us.

Lord have mercy. Kyrie eleison.
Christ have mercy. Christi eleison.
Lord have mercy. Kyrie eleison.

Mary, saved by Christ and conceived without sin, pray for us who have recourse to thee!

Today's thoughts.. If they anger you, then DEAL WITH IT!

2005-03-24T13:09:00.000-06:00

I sent this off today. Many of you were blind-copied. I will have my say. Over and over if necessary. Heck, I'm going to be plenty quiet within a year or less unless something changes in the chemo!
Here it is. Read it and weep or laugh or scoff:

Dear Mr. President/Senator/Congressman.... (I love computers I can send an important literary salvo much easier!)

I understand this is an uncomfortable place to be, right now. You are in the middle of a hotbed of emotional, passionate and difficult debate on the life of a disabled woman down in Florida. I can appreciate it, and be assured, you are in my prayers! But I must be frank. Right now, I don’t really care about your discomfort! That is why you have been elected to office in Florida and/or Washington. You’ll get over it. I am happy to inflict a little more of my common sense on you. You might say this is my “last gasp” in defense of the defenseless and for the right to life, liberty and property IN THAT ORDER! Now I will go to confession for my hot temper. Maybe. I am not sure I can really be penitent, however. Hmmm.

I am sitting here watching the worm turn on television, reporters saying there is a “sense of resignation.” You guys have blown the precious opportunity given you. Why did you pass a law, (or influence or support such a passage in the case of the executive branch) if you didn’t mean it or weren’t going to enforce it?

I am appalled at the lack of “spine” I am seeing here. How can you know so little about our Constitution? How can you care so little for our country and the Constitution yet so much about what a bunch of arrogant and activist judiciary and liberal propagandists are doing and saying? Don’t you see that the judiciary is running scared; that they are basically “looking after their own?” YOU DON”T NEED A POWERFUL CASE IN COURT TO HANDLE THIS!!!

How the hell can the Democrats use their state and federal executive powers to oppose the actions of David Koresh in Waco (The U. S. Attorney General), to remove Elian Gonzales from the arms of his JUDICIALLY legal guardians (The U.S. Attorney General and President Clinton,) to force black children to remain in segregated schools in Arkansas (the Governor Faubus of Arkansas), and the orders of the President to block him (Republican President Eisenhower.)

Do the DEMS have more courage than Republicans??? Please spare me! Be brave and call out the Guard- it’s been done before and the Constitution, the United States way of life, and all three branches of the government still exist. The difference today seems to be the cowardice of the executive branch over the last 8 years. It is horrifying!

I have terminal cancer. I am not expected to live long. I take this assassination of Terri Schiavo VERY personally. People like me will very likely be next unless you, and this nation STAND UP for what is right. If, by some miracle I live out a normal life span, I promise you this:

I have a long memory. My family and my faith community WILL REMEMBER. They will remember in 2 years, in 4 years in 12 years or more what you did or failed to do. I will spend the rest of what life I have fighting the Culture of Death. I know that I am not the only one. This evil inaction, turning your back on the truth, on goodness, on the beauty of life WILL BE REMEMBERED. This will hurt you and you will deserve to lose every election for decades to come. In one fell decision, you could lose it all. Everything the Republicans supposedly stand for has been made a LIE.

Any thing else you want me to support you on will have no meaning to me:

1. There are no rights possible once the right to life is ignored.

2. The need for a balanced budget is worthless if I know our government won’t protect the life, liberty and property with what they take out of my family’s earnings in taxes every year.

3. The reform of Social Security, Medicaid and Medicare and Welfare, Human Services are meaningless to me and many others if my government is going to (perhaps) make it solvent by “bumping off “the “expensive”, the most needy, the most vulnerable because they don’t usually get to vote. What an elegant solution. The Final Solution.

4. The fight to remain sovereign as a nation, to not be under the jurisdiction of the U.N., and the opinions of the rest of the world mean nothing to me, if my country can’t even protect it’s own people from the “Brave New World” of euthanasia, unnecessary capital punishment and abortion.

5. You will lose any respect I ever had for you. You know what is right, you know how to do it. If you don’t do it, you will most likely have to answer to a higher power than the electorate. Be courageous. It’s not a time to be “nice.” It is a time to act. Unfortunately, trying to rescue Terri Schindler Schiavo now will only serve the ends of the heinous man the pundits of mainstream media (MSM) persist in calling her “husband.” She is very toxic and weak. But it is important to do it any way because it may be only in this way you can investigate the possibility (likelihood?) of foul play. If the judiciary is tying the hands of Justice, then you are stepping on the rope to prevent its action if you stand aside and fail to act. You would be just as culpable as “Judge” Greer (may he receive his just reward in the afterlife) or Michael Schiavo (ditto for him, too). (May God be merciful to them!) You cannot participate in evil without it touching you as well. This is how I see it:

a. The legislature has a duty to advise and offer support to our executive branch.

b. The executive branch (president and governors) was not elected by a mandate from the “faith and values” Republicans for you to simply look the other way, in fear of “offending” the liberal contingent. You must enforce the LAW as derived from the consent of the governed (through the laws of Congress and State Legislatures.) Why does executive privilege exist? For times such as these!!!

c. The judiciary is to interpret law, not create it from the bench!!!!

If you turn away, shame, shame, shame on all of you!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
I have to quit this now.
Note to anyone I've angered: If you want to flame me for this, go ahead. I'll be happy to delete you from my email list, and possibly from my life, if you like. I have to be really picky about these things at this stage anyway. I'll always love you, even if you hate me or behave like an idiot! (You know who you are.) You flame, I delete- it really simplifies things, doesn't it?

Tuesday Afternoon

2005-03-22T14:17:00.000-06:00

Poor Josh. He went to the orthodontist tody and had a new wire and some bands. They must be heavy-duty because he is a lot of pain. Advil isn't touching it. It was suggested he try alternating Advil and Tylenol. And chew gum! I remember Esther saying it worked better for her if she didn't "baby her mouth"- sor of act like it wasn't hurting. It makes sense because it can promote circulation and move those leukotrienes andthe swelling out of there.

I found a dentist. I have really needed my teeth cared for- It's very painful to have open cavities (fillings fell out, and chipped molars slicing my tongue. Ouch,ouch, ouch! I have to go in to get blood work done so that they can ask doctor Smith which antibiotic I should be prescribed prophylactically.

I am tired today. Got some sleep last night. Between the teeth and my abdomen, I get up a lot, am restless. I am sure I am not at my best these days. It's wierd. The medications, even 2 Benedryl or 2 promethazine (total:50 mg) don't even faze me any more. I go from someone who can't even handle a beer to someone that doesn't even blink or get sleepy with opioid analgesics- they barely even take the "edge" off the pain, and sleeping aids don't get me very sleepy. I must have a pretty good liver in spite of the tumors. I guess I surprise myself everyday! I think there is just some level of pain you just have to endure. I hope it can be alleviated safely, but until then, I'll take 600 mg. Advil every 3-4 hours. But I'd better tell my doctor.

I am sorry I don't update as much as people would like. I am tired and "busy" at least doing the important things. Spending time with my kids. Teaching them. Worrying for them in the future. It's just what moms do. No time to waste on dumb stuff. But I am trying to walk that balance between isolation and inundation of relationships and interaction. I appreciate the care and love that prompts friends to ask how I am, and to want to be there for me. Don't ever think I take it for granted. I love you.

I noticed one of my kids has decided to stop writing in her blog. I totally understand. In my case, it seems that what I write would bore people if I emailed it to them I no where near as interesting as my kids. But I write what I write, perhaps it helps people to have a little window to my introspective world. Perhaps the day to day musings will encourage my kids later if they get a chance to read back on it later. Maybe it sometimes encourages others to read me on the good days.

Carry on, and Choose Life!
Regine

Palm Sunday evening 3/20/2005

2005-03-20T20:57:00.000-06:00

I miss the Kid. She flew back to Denver on Friday, and it FEELS like she has been gone a MONTH!! Even when she is quiet, or even cranky, she is interesting, and (sometimes unconsciously,) funny. It may seem impossible to believe, but I remember how hard it was to leave home, the familiar "space" and people I cared about. There was love there. A bit too much drama sometimes. It's hard, but necessary. I hope we haven't hampered the kids' maturity by spoiling them.

Today is Palm Sunday. Holy Week begins! I warned my little heathens that we were going to try to attend the Holy Week Masses this year. I want Easter to mean more than candy and the end of Lenten sacrifice. I also plan to make the experience of "The Passion of the Christ" film an annual event. The film is clearly about what He has done for us, and about God's great mercy over us, especially as Gentiles, for we have much to atone for individually and as a people. The bottom line is it's easy to sin- not so easy to do what is good. (That "narrow way" idea.)

Today we begin the final week of Lent. It is also Day Two in Terri Schindler Schiavo's Passion. I have been affected for the past 2 years about this egregious violation of human rights. I have been fighting off a feeling of profound sadness for the past month. I have been in tears off and on since Friday at 1:24 pm. Can't anyone see? This woman is NOT in a persistent vegetative state (PVS) . She screamed when told that her gastrostomy tube would be disconnected and she would die. She is fearful and distressed every time her "husband", Michael, comes near her. She is responsive and most likely would be able to do a number of things on her own- swallow, sip, perhaps even to speak one day, given the therapy Michael, that bastard from hell, denied her over the past 15 years. (The same therapy he swore he would give her if he could get enough money from the lawsuit.)
Does no one consider the suspicious circumstances surrounding her anoxic episode leading to brain dysfunction? Does no one in the Democrat wings of the U.S. Senate and House, or the judicial terrorists such as Judge Greer (may he receive his just reward) even consider that the entire presumption (her being in a PVS) is flawed, and therefore the ruling cannot be legitimate?
Why does Michael want to bump her off? Why not just take the million dollars and divorce her, let her family and friends and those who love her care for her? What about all those fractures evident on X-ray, as having occurred prior to her term as a patient in the nursing home? Why did Michael "suddenly remember", AFTER receiving the $1.7 million settlement that Terri would not want something as basic as food or water to be given to her at the time of her disability? Why all the song-and dance about his going to nursing school to learn how he could "take care" of his wife? That he NEEDED all this dough to be able to afford the care and rehab she would require? WHY DOES HE WANT HER DEAD?
How is it that the Department of Children and Families, the testimony of at least a dozen qualified neurologists, subpoenas from both State and Federal legislatures, and the welfare of an innocent woman are all being ignored by a penny- ante judge, full of himself, who cannot admit the evil he is participating in? Greer allowed hearsay in the testimony of Michael, but not of a close friend who stated factually that Terri was pro-life, and disagreed with the Quinlan parents wish to disconnect their daughter from life support. Greer made an error, (or can we call it a lie?) in the date of Quinlan's death and thereby threw out important and truthful testimony. It is disgusting and wrong to place evil principles over people in such a cruel way. We wouldn't treat an animal with such callous disregard.
And where are the feminists in all of this? With spousal abuse at least a suspicion worth investigating, why aren't they picketing the halls of Congress for justice for this woman? Oh- I remeber, it wouldn't fit in with their pro-death, NO CHOICE agenda on life issues. Sorry. My bad.
Oh, and what is all this crap about "death with dignity?" It is one of the cruelest and most violent ways ever devised to end a life. As a veterinarian, I would call thelaw if I saw a patient being treated in this fashion. And that after knocking the crap out of them (accidentally, of course) to reach the dying critter. Oh, the "Culture of Death" crowd HOPES we see this as a cruel way to end a life. It makes their physician-aided suicides much more palatable to the dumb and the beautiful out on the Left Coast.
By the way, the so called "assisted suicide" deaths aren't so pretty, either- unless you want to be seen dying in agonal breathing, loosening of the bowels and bladder, snorting gulping noises, and with drool all over your face. OD'ing on anesthetics, tranqs, pain-killers, or sleeping pills may not hurt as much, but it leaves a hell of a mess to clean up after you. Only shooting would be worse. But the Right to Die people NEVER tell you that. And their website describing the starving and dehydrating a person to death is equally dishonest! Family, beware. I could be next. (Since I am the one most likely to buy the farm in the next few months to a year.) It could be you. (Heaven forbid.) What would it take to tweak the law, just a little, so that my advance directive for end-of-life care was basically ignored? Who will decide to make me "die with dignity."? I am understandably a little bit uncomfortable with some judicial terrorist in a black-robe presuming in favor of death rather than of life when there is no advance directive!
"Woe to those who call evil good, and good evil; Who put darkness for light, and light for darkness..." Isaiah 5:20 kind of sums it up for me. David N. Bass, a college student, wrote a commentary that said it all much better than I could. (Bless his mom and dad for home schooling him!) See: http://www.worldnetdaily.com/news/article.asp?ARTICLE_ID=43391

Today, we learned of a family in Jarrell, (north of Georgetown) and parishioners at St. Helen's who had lost their fifteen year old son. I am not sure what happened, or who they were, but I felt great sorrow for them. They must be in such pain right now. I can't imagine losing any of my kids at this stage of their lives. The parish took up a collection for funeral costs. I hope they will be comforted by the caring of their parish community.

More random information: We are watching the newest Animal Planet documentary, (see http://animal.discovery.com/convergence/dragons/dragons.html ) "Dragons". It was a production based on a lot of "what ifs" (and I do mean a LOT!) Most of which were physiologically impossible for carbon-based life forms such as we, but fun nonetheless. It was very well thought out, and the graphics were great. Mari and I like stuff like this- I thought the "Making of Dragons" was neat. These guys also put together the "Walking With Dinosaurs" on Animal Planet a few years ago. Very creative.

Lent my digital camera to Esther- I hope she can take lots of pictures. Denver is probably really beautiful, or at least the mountains would be, in the Spring. May be she'll send some wildflower shots, or some wildlife. I like the ability to "keep" the good pictures, and delete the mistakes immediately. The quality can compare very favorably with film, and since I don't have to print every single one, it can save a little money, too. I like Picasa and Hello to trade photos. It's fast and acts like IM'ing so I can see them (or send some) sooner. I think it is amazing that we have this technology. Oh, that reminds me of a joke (courtesy of my friend Everett:

A college student at a recent USC football game challenged a senior
citizen sitting next to him, saying it was impossible for their
generation to understand his. "You grew up in a different world,"
the student said . ...loud enough for the whole crowd to hear.
"Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, man has walked
on the Moon, our spaceships have visited Mars, we even have nuclear
energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing, and,
uh.."
Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the
geezer said, "You're right. We didn't have those things when we
were young; so we invented them, you little snot! What the heck are
you doing for the next generation??"

I love senior citizens!

Well, that about does it. I'm pretty much the same, with ups and downs (lots of downs recently) like everyone else. I sure hope the Doxil is working.
Choose to love, choose life!
Regine

Man, am I a slow updater! March 16, 2005

2005-03-16T01:55:00.000-06:00

The girls ARE back- Mari is going to continue home schooling here in Texas (Yay!) And Esther flew down on Saturday for Spring Break.
She (Esther) is doing well, very stressed, but has excellent support. What she is doing is very stressful. I worry that she doesn't feel worthy of the time, patience, love and care she has. I know she appreciates it, but sometimes I think she can't accept that she is SO loved and it is never a burden to take care of her. It's more like a delight! She has done so much caretaking lately for me, and for Josh and Mari!
I remember feeling like that. I didn't feel like I had "paid my dues" enough to be rewarded with attention, love or caring or ministry. I mean, who would have time for the "invisible" person that I thought I was? So I continued my "invisibility" game, and sure enough, any sources of emotional support disappeared. All because I thought I didn't "deserve" care. Dumb, dumb, dumb!
Everyone needs attention and nurturing. Everyone. Sometimes it means lots of intense support until we are out of a crisis. And it may take a long time. But God puts people and events into our lives, a "lifeline" of sorts, and all He asks is that we grab on, hold tight and finish out this rough ride! Even now, I have to be careful not to think I am not worthy of all the love and care and truly helpful things done for my family and for me! The PRAYERS (my Lord, how awesome!), the food, the company, the emails, the phone calls, and St. Helen’s YOUTH GROUP to help Jim with some outdoor chores- really heavy duty stuff, mind you!
I guess it is easier for an older person to see it's not about "worthiness. We've already established that everybody needs care. It's about accepting that we are all part of the human race, and we are never more HUMAN, and humane, than when we are allowed to care for each other, not expecting something in return.

I had chemo on March 8, and it seems like I am going to be able to handle it- especially if the nurses at the Georgetown clinic of Southwest Regional Cancer Center are on it. They infuse it slowly- it's worked so far- why mess up a good thing? The mouth sores are about the same as with the other treatment regimen, but I can deal with them. The nausea is still 24/7, and 1 phenergan isn't working so well anymore. I may need to try a different approach. All the other antiemetics are incredibly expensive. (Try $80 a pill that lasts 8-12 hours!) I have a hard time asking for it if the cheap promethazine (Phenergan) has been working. But there is one good thing- the pain subsides after about 4 or 5 days. I don't seem to get the joint pain and muscle involement with Doxil. Well, it's late as usual. I really need to get some sleep!!!

I am SO not sleepy! I think I will type out a list of a few folks I am grateful for. Seriously, God must love me a lot to put you guys in my life!
For starters- I have the husband God intended for me as my path to heaven. And I am HIS path, too. Or his CROSS! Jimmy, I really am grateful for the times you are patient, even when I can't get the words out that I want to say, for volunteering to do the outdoor cooking, and so much more. I guess I love you, huh? Next, I am blessed with beautiful, creative, wild and hilarious kids. Esther, Mari and Josh, you truly make my life complete. And in the communion of saints, with Alex, and our other baby, Gabriel, we will all be whole once again in God at the Resurrection. It will be awesome!
Jim's Family- you have been good friends to us. I was so happy that weekend to see Tommy, Thomas, Bryan, Rudy,Margaret, Cynthia and Doug and all my little nieces and nephews! It was a blast! And thanks for the Pizza! And thanks for the prayers.
Hi to new and intriguing, warmand wise friends, Tami and Michael. (Thank you for caring so much about Esther. I feel much more at ease knowing she is cared for so well!)
And to Sue,my wild, funny, kindred spirit in many ways!
Donna (you always seem to know when I need to get OUT! Did you walk today?),
Carmen (for the fantastic meals, and your prayers, and caring for a mutual friend who needs so much),
Ellen (your thoughtful meal on St. Valentine's Day, and helping me get to know St. Philomena and getting us to go to the Celebration of Marriage Night),
Sherry (your prayers and hugs and smiles),
Victoria ( You will never know how much your love and support mean to us. Your family is right there with you. Much love to all of you!),
St. Helen’s Youth Ministry (How did we deserve the fantastic help you gave to us March 5? I love you guys- and we pray for you!),
Brenda (my long-lost little cousin),
Christie and Mike Aaronson (St. Peregrine is in a place of honor, and the prayer close to my pillow. Thanks for all the compassion you have shown to us and to the Body of Christ in the Austin Diocese. You truly walk the Way.) Kristi Ramirez( I haven't forgotten you, little one! Hugs to Adriana. Come see me!),
Lisa ( You understand me! And you make me smile sometimes when I don't think I want to. Thanks for just "being there" when I needed a safe place to be.),
Sara (I still can't believe how easy it is to reconnect and have fun with you even though we are both busy moms and rarely get to talk! Thanks so much for coming over last weekend! It was awesome!),
Pamela (Your emails are so encouraging. They really make my day. I hope I can get my act together enough to go see you guys!),
Treyna and Scott (Thanks for all the things you do to help. It feels like we are good neighbors, and better friends. It's always fun when our families get together!),
Daddy and Mom (Thanks for all the cool pictures! I really look forward to the "Photo of the Day." You are pretty good with your new camera. Thank you,thank you, thank you!),
Alex at Arbor Dental Assoc.(Thanks for rescuing "este pelona", Esther tried it on for fun. She can actually pull it off as a blonde!)
Melanie( I don'tdeserve such a kind and good friend. Thank you for being there at some of the highest- and some of the lowest- times of my life. I think we should have been sisters),
Susan S.(You have saved me from myself when I did stupid tings. You have been a good friend to me. I am grateful you are in my life!),
Susan and David Garrett, your prayers are helping, your support and kind emails really helped when I was down pretty low. Thanks for making time to keep in touch!
Fr. Louis (You've known me a LONG time. And sometimes, I suspect, were not quite sure what to do with me!That was in my "glory days", when I was a radical. A real pain. Ha-ha! Thanks for being a wonderful caring, and wise Father to us.) ,
Fr. Brian (Thanks for going for the black vestments, and for your holiness and for your commitment as a priest, and for wisdom beyond your age. Must be the Holy Spirit. Or else you're some sort of "Holy Prodigy." LOL),
Fr. Efrain, ( I don't know you well, but I like it when you say Mass. You have wonderful examples of faith, hope and love to teach us. And sometimes you are funny, too! Thank you. I am praying for English to be easier for you. Actually, you are pretty good. Will you pray my Spanish gets better?)
Brother Festus/ Chidi (St. Helen's is a brighter place with you here. I am so glad you came to Texas!),
Auntie Ruth, thank you for loving me, and your phone calls. It is always good to hear from you!

Sunday- About time for an update!

2005-03-06T16:20:00.000-06:00

I have gone a long time without updating- let's see, Josh and I drove to Denver to surprise Mari- Esther knew, but kept quiet. Mari was SO, SO happy. It made the whole trip worth it!
Actually the drive was ridiculously easy. Josh was a great travel companion. It must be the age- 13 years- when they start being a little more "other-aware" rather than thinking about "what's in it for me." It's a continuum, and there is plenty of "selfishness" to go around, but overall, he seems to care more about how someone else might be affected by his actions or words. I am continually amazedwhen watching a child's personality unfold as he or she grows into the person God intends him to be.
I know we are supposed to guide our children to learn right from wrong and about loving, knowing and honoring God, courage, goodness, imagination and creativity and curiosity, nd more! How we are supposed to do that is a mystery to me, especially when they were young, and I had barely had develpoed these things for myself! We work hard to learn how to be the kind of parents children need to develop these qualities, and get a little bit better with maturity. I feel sorry for the eldest kid- she is often the guinea pig of our trials and errors. Actually, since each child is different, they're all guinea pigs!
Anyway Guinea Pig and I took a different route to Denver. I wanted to try to use Interstate highways as much as possible since services would be more predictable, roads smoother, no stopping through towns umless we wanted to, and higher average highway speeds (!) It was a good plan, and the drive was easy and profitable for learning, since I had some cassettes from seminars I wanted to hear. Josh learned a little bit from some of them. We did a little bit of homework orally as well.
When we arrived at te girls' apartment, I climbed to the front door, using both hands and the railing to help pull me up the steps. Mari's expression was incredulous, joyful and relieved- all at the same time. She ran into my arms, and we hugged each other, crying. It was awesome! She needed to come home. It was a good thing for both Esther and Mari the last two quarters, and helped each of them cope with some events that had impacted their lives. We have no regrets. But now, it was time to close the dor on this phase, in order that each of them could grow emotionally in healthier ways- meeting more people, focusing on balance in their lives, and for Mari, getting back to her horses and her volunteering at R.O.C.K. (Ride On Center for Kids, a therapeutic riding/equestrian program) with the horses and kids in therapy. She is very excited to get back into it. I know the staff at R.O.C.K. will be very happy to see her! Ihope we can continue her momentum in school. Her life was much more structured in Denver, and it will unavoidably be less structured here- unless I want to withdraw from all human contact except for Mari and Josh and their home schooling. That would not be good for any of us. I really do have to watch how much activity out of the home that I take on. I tend to overcommit to activities and volunteering.
We had a good visit- I know every visit I make to Esther invariably adds an element of chaos into her ordered life, and I am grateful that she wants me to be ther anyway! We had fun at the 16th Street mall- we had this idea that we would sample foods from any restaurant we wanted, buying 1 or 2 servings of ech course from a different deli kiosk or restaurant. The only rule was we would end up at The Cheesecake Factory. It was a blast! We'd buy a small sandwich, divide it into 4 pieces and snack down as if we were eating a whole meal! We were surprised at how full we actually did get! I am glad Esther "wasted" a piano day with us. She made it lots of fun.
I was able to meet some friends of Esther's, Tami and her son Michael, and friend of Mari's, Kelly. These people are making a big impact on the girls, and I am so grateful they have become a safe place for Esther. Tami is a psychologist, and as we talked with each other, I had some insights on my own personality. It was exhilerating to think about some the things we came up with. I know that God is in all of this- their sensitivity, empathy and experience make Tami (for Esther) and Kelly (for Mari) will help them see things in new ways, and can honestly help them grow in their own way, at their own pace into people God meant for them to be. I cannot say enough how grateful I am that Esther is not "alone" at DU. She is planning to invite her friends over for food, or to watch a video or something- and now she has room to do this! (Little sisters take up more "space" than you might think!)
When it was time to leave on Saturday, Esther had to go to work at the concert hall that morning. As I drove south, this time choosing to go through New Mexico to get home, I thought it might be fun to visit Santa Fe and take in a museum or two.
Again, I am amazed at the energy level I have since the healing Mass the Monday previous. I have been seadily able to handle more and more walking, and to do more things without needing to have sleep to recuperate. At my appointment with Dr. Smith, there was no change in the size of the tumors. This is a good thing, because in the past, these tumors were getting larger between appointments. I would be thrilled if the doxirubricin (sp?) (aka Doxil) works, especially since it usually only works about 30% of the time. I am gratefull I have had the time I have had to get ready for the "bad news." I think we are more hopeful, and no matter what happens, it is because God has everything good for me and my family in mind.
Dr. Smith wants to continue Doxil every 3 to 4 weeks, and have me do the chemo on appointment days to save time and "keep my life from revolving around so many appointments." Good plan. I really like this doctor. She doesn't mess around, she listens and enjoys answering questions- I am so curious about things! She keeps up with the latest findings by continuing education, and when she comes back from meetings, she probably would tell me of any relevant research going on in the area of endometrial cancer, if I asked her. She's fearless (at least outwardly), positive, explains things on my wavelength, and doesn't think I'm an idiot. She and her nursing staff are very interesting to learn from. She reminds me of a veterinarian. (That's a supreme compliment, by the way!)
Please keep praying for me and I will be praying for you, too. I am grateful for all the love everyone has shown us. I will never be able thank you enough. Your lives inspire all that is good in my life. I often think, "Now what would Nancy(or another friend) do in this situation?" I gain so much from my friends.

Wichita, KS late evening

2005-02-22T23:44:00.000-06:00

Well, driving was breeze! I am in awe at how well I feel! What is going on here? Monday morning all I want to do is sleep, and avoid life, then today, I didn't really need my wheelchair! Is it a miracle? Is this for real? Am I going to be one of the 20% who gets results from doxirubricin? I don't know quite what to make of it. But, hey, thanks, God! And I get to see my girls tomorrow!!! Better get some sleep!
Pray the rosary. Offer sufferings up for Salvation of souls!
Regine

2005-02-22T23:42:00.000-06:00

Mari's horse Piper is always good for a laugh. He's cute...except when cleaning his back hooves!

2005-02-22T23:41:00.000-06:00

Just like it says: Greatest band on Earth...

2005-02-22T23:39:00.001-06:00

Hey Esther, Check your roots!